Unorthodox Christmas Songs

It’s that time of year again, yes the time of year when you hear the same ten fucking Christmas songs on infinite repeat, nonstop, all day long at the office, in the car, in the mall, and of course on your playlist of the ten Christmas songs that you are most sick of. So to break up the monotony we have compiled playlists of our twenty favorite Christmas songs. Hopefully a few of these will be new to you.

Chuck

1. No Doubt “Oi to the World”: This song is originally by the Vandals, but I picked this version because I am more familiar with it and it reminds me of how good No Doubt was before (shudder) Rock Steady.

2. Squirrel Nut Zippers “Carolina Christmas”: As a southerner, a song about a Christmas that is not in your typical northern city appeals to me, and it captures the glory of the south without making all of it’s inhabitants look like toothless rednecks (I’ve actually met the lead singer of SNZ and despite the fact that he is a toothless redneck, that doesn’t mean we all are,).

3. Bootsy Collins “Winterfunkyland”: This song is a seven minute long funk odyssey take on “Winter Wonder Land” that stops making any sense at all around the 2 second mark. “In the meadow we can build a snowman, and pretend he’s a circus clown.”

4. Weird Al Yankovic “Christmas at Ground Zero”: Weird Al has two Christmas songs, and they are both great, but this one is undoubtedly my favorite. Partially because if not for the demented lyrics it would make a genuinely good Christmas tune. The song is especially appropriate this holiday season because instead of bombs crashing down on us all, it’s the stock market. Happy holidays!

5. Stephen Colbert & John Legend “Nutmeg”: Never before has Christmas been so dirty and perverted. And yet it still remains classy. Seriously, this is baby making music. Have you ever tried having sex to “Frosty the Snowman?” While I still think it’s an appropriate song, no one ever goes for it.

6. Gayla Peevey “I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas”: I love this song because it’s so completely rational and yet ridiculous. The narrator of the song has thought out all of the details; how Santa will get the hippo in the house, what kind of food the hippo eats (I.E. not the narrator,) where to keep it. And yet, she is still asking for… A HIPPOPOTAMOUS! I also think it’s funny that half way through the song she forgets the plural for hippopotamus.

7. Blink 182 “I Won’t Be Home for Christmas”: A song about hating Christmas, beating up carolers with a bat and then being raped in jail. I wonder if Blink 182 celebrates Festivus too?

8. King Diamond “No Presents for Christmas”: You would think that the Santa / Satan comparison would be more obvious and be included in more Christmas carols. “He’s making a list and checking it twice. He’s gonna find out who’s naughty or nice. If you’re nice than that’s real swell, but if not you’ll burn in hell!” Seems obvious, right? Oh, well, it took the true genius of King Diamond to finally point out that Santa and Satan kinda sound alike in song form.

9. Vince Guaraldi “Linus and Lucy”: Yes, this is the Charlie Brown Christmas theme. This is the actual name of the song and who composed it. Go download it. It’s actually just the theme for Peanuts in general, though it gets associated with the Christmas special more often than not.

10. Buster Poindexter “Zat You Santa”: You may know Buster Poindexter as the lead singer of the New York Dolls, or perhaps as the guy who performed “Hot, Hot, Hot.” This song was originally done by Louis Armstrong, and really makes a good point that Santa is a little creepy, or that the narrator is just high.

11. Psychostick “Jingle Bell Metal”: The most metal Christmas song I have ever heard. “Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell metal. Fucking shit up with a double bass pedal.” The song is really a medley of various Christmas songs that the band sodomizes into one brutal amalgamation.

12. Elton John “Step Into Christmas”: This song is classic Elton from around the time of Honky Chateau. Back when Elton was doing his best work. I am totally gay for Elton’s first few album’s and this song would fit perfectly on any of them.

13. The Kinks “Father Christmas”: Man, Santa has it rough. King Diamond think’s he’s Satan, Buster Poindexter thinks he’s trying to break in, and in this song the Kinks talk about beating up a department store Santa to steal all his money. I love the holiday spirit in all these songs!

14. Mofro “Santa Clause, True Love, and Freedom”: Looking at some of the songs on my playlist and really thinking about their meanings, I am beginning to think I am jaded. Oh well, this is a song about when you stop believing in some of the things you are promised as a child, I.E. Santa Clause, etc…

15. KoRn “Kidnap the Sandy Claws”: I am not a big KoRn fan, but this song from the recently released Nightmare Revisited Soundtrack perfectly captures the feel and tone of the Nightmare Before Christmas and I honestly think I like this version better than the original.

16. Otis Redding “Merry Christmas Baby”: Ah, combining Otis Redding and a beautiful Christmas song makes me have a white Christmas in my pants. Who needs a fire when you have the warm soothing soul of Otis’ voice? Sigh.

17. Outkast “Player’s Ball”: Little known fact, Outkast’s first single and consequently the song that broke them and made their careers was a Christmas song. A Christmas song about a bunch of pimps getting together and hanging out in Atlanta no less. Who wants to hang out with your family and drink egg nog when you could chill with Andre 3000 and a bunch of hoes?

18. Run D.M.C. “Christmas in Hollis”: As far as I know this is the first Christmas rap song. In the song, the narrator finds Santa’s wallet and then gives it back to him in Hollis, when I can only assume he returns to his sleigh to find his reindeer replaced by concrete blocks holding it up.

19. Mxpx “Christmas Night of the Zombies”: What? A Christmas song about zombies attacking? Mxpx has managed to combine two of my absolute favorite things ever, Zombies and Christmas! Need I say more? Okay, this song also has a pretty badass bass line.

20. Fall Out Boy “What’s This?”: I know, two songs from the Nightmare Before Christmas. Like I said on the song before this, I’m a sucker for combining things I love, and Halloween and Christmas are easily my two favorite holidays, (sorry Arbor Day,) so songs off of the Nightmare soundtrack are obvious choices for me. The Fall Out Boy version of this song is my favorite take on it because Patrick Stump’s voice seems to fit perfectly with Jack’s character, whether you like FOB or not. Flyleaf also does a really boring version of this song, ya know, if that’s your thing.

21. The Beatles "Christmas Time (Is Here Again)": Alright, Glen asked about the Beatles rule, (the rule that one Beatles song must be included on all playlists,) so I came back and added this as number twenty-one. "Why twenty-one? Why not substitute it in place of one of the other songs? God knows you guys have enough of them in common." First of all, shut up, great minds and all that. Secondly, it's twenty-one on the list because it's supposed to be a list of songs we like, and really this song is pretty attrocious. It's just the Beatles singing the title of the song over and over and over again. So there, requirement met... stupid fucking rules.

Matt

1. Vince Guaraldi Trio - Linus and Lucy
This song always makes me happy, no matter what I've been through or what season it is. I don't think it's the greatest Christmas Song ever, but it's definitely my favorite Christmas song ever.

2. Justin Timberlake/Andy Samberg - Dick in a box
The greatest novelty song that no one remembers is a Christmas tune. Catchier than hell, and ridiculously sophomoric. I love it. Not only is it a well-written song, the chorus and vocal line make it a blast for anyone to sing. Any song that gives a three step way to make the holiday season more fun is well worth my list.

3. Otis Redding - White Christmas
This was a tough choice as Otis has two great Christmas songs to choose from and I didn't want to choose them both. I went with his version of this classic because it's the epitome of an Otis Redding cover, with his slight hesitation on the vocal and the awesome horn lines that just add the great little riffs that make it stick out. When the Big O says that first "Christmas,” it grabs hold and doesn't let loose.

4. Straight, No Chaser - 12 Days of Christmas
A recent addition to classic carols, but certainly a lot of fun. A viral video from a 10 year old performance made this one of the most requested songs in 2007 and landed them a record deal. Go you crazy A cappella singers you!

5. Chuck Berry - Run Rudolph, Run
A Classic by a master of the guitar. Though there's been numerous covers, Berry's pure voice and guitar tone make the original the best.

6. California Raisins - Rudolf The Red-Nosed Reindeer
This excellent rendition from the "Claymation Christmas" Special mixes fruit, the classic Motown sound, and Buddy Miles on lead vocals. The Raisins may have been just an early morning cartoon lark, but they've made an indelible mark on my musical education.

7. Sister Hazel - The Dreidel Song
Yea, it's not a Christmas song. But our Jewish friends need a shout out too. This upbeat cover with it's banjo-pickin', driving drums and numerous solos is a welcome addition to the Holiday season.

8. John Legend and Stephen Colbert - Nutmeg
A brand new addition to the Holiday Season, and what a dirty one at that. Legend and Colbert get together and write a very witty and obscene ode to that special concoction that rears it's head around the end of the year. The single-entendres that pepper this track make it worth the Itunes Download.

9. Weird Al Yankovic - The Night Santa Went Crazy
Yankovic shows the world what happens when too many little kids ask for too much over the holiday season. The fat man is liable to snap and take it out on the only people around him, be they reindeer or elf. This should serve as a somber warning to people--stop spitting out so many crotch fruit!! The Jolly man needs a break.

10. John Lennon - Happy Christmas (War is over)
A beautiful song with a great meaning, no snark here.

11. Elvis - Blue ChristmasA Golden oldie, and classic Cheesy Christmas music. The bass makes a nice appearance, Elvis just can't stop his voice from fluttering, and the falsetto hook in the background combine to make this song an irresistible earworm this time of year.

12. Wham! - Last ChristmasWith the cheesy synthesizer, lyrics that bubble with syrupy whining and what sounds like the gayest Caribbean drum style accompaniment ever, this song just brims with George Michael. That is why I cant get it off my list.

13. Stephen Colbert and Willie Nelson - Little Dealer Boy
An update on the duet between Bing Crosby and David Bowie, this two part serenade is an ode to the joys of nature's own cure for caring too damn much. The reverence of Nelson's voice is clear, and Colbert's disbelief and willingness to tattle on his partner to his Savior makes for a great contrast.

14. Chipmunks - Christmas Don’t Be Late
No matter how annoying the Chipmunks may be in recent Hollywood bombs, this vocal line is great to hum or murmur to yourself in an elevator and drive everyone around you crazy. Especially in June.

15. Ray Charles and Betty Carter - Baby It's Cold OutsideThe short horn blasts that start this song don't belie the smooth interplay between the two amazing voices that make this song special. Charles is in full Romeo mode, his tone giving the listener an idea of what he really wants. Carter does a great job at expressing her initial desire to leave. By the end of the song of course, Ray gets his way, and Ms. Carter chooses to stay in from the nasty weather.

16. Bela Fleck and Flecktones - Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairies
This holiday Gem from the Nutcracker gets a nice bluegrass re-working here. Its a pretty by-the-numbers cover, but the tone and sound are fantastic.

17. Tran Siberian Orchestra- Mad Russians Christmas (Nutcracker suite)Classical and Metal never sounded more Festive together. Truly an epic arrangement that would make the woodwinds headbang.

18. Mr. Garrison - Merry Fucking Christmas
Goofy, offensive, and utterly ridiculous. Yup, we need more songs like this in the world.

19. Sister Hazel - Please Come Home For Christmas
Originally made famous by Charles Brown, and given new life in the 90's by Jon Bon Jovi, this track is full of yearning and white-boy bluesiness. This version is my favorite because it's incredibly clear and well-mixed, with excellent dynamics and just a hint of Stevie Ray Vaughan guitar lines buried under the vocal.

20. Brenda Lee - Rockin' Around The Christmas TreeAn excellent song with the tiny but strong lead vocals by Lee and the ghostly backing vocals throughout. The Sax solo is phenomenal and rips the track in two, but the chorus brings it all back together. A classic track that can't be ignored.

Glen

1. “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen” as performed by Manheim Steamroller – This instrumental rendition of the traditional hymn starts off with almost ominous and foreboding tones. As other instruments are added it picks up in tempo and the song becomes busy for a while, and then everything slows off and it ends rather peacefully, much like Christmas itself.

2. Bob Rivers “I Am Santa Claus” – A parody of “Iron Man” by Black Sabbath. There’s about a million Christmas themed parodies of popular non-Christmas songs out there, and normally I’m not really a fan of any of them. But this one has pretty funny lyrics, a pretty awesome video, and since it is based on “Iron Man,” a kick ass guitar riff.

3. “Carol of the Bells” as performed by Trans Siberian Orchestra – As far as traditional Christmas fare goes, “Carol of the Bells” is unequivocally my favorite. I believe the first time I ever heard it was in Home Alone when I was five. What I know for sure is that of all the traditional Christmas music you hear everywhere you go this time of year, “Carol of the Bells,” with its dark and moving melody, is one of the few that doesn’t make me want to attack a mall Santa. I chose the Trans Siberian Orchestra version for this playlist because it is undoubtedly the most rocking version ever performed and I like things that rock.

4. “O Holy Night” as performed by Charlotte Church and Placido Domingo – “O Holy Night” is the other traditional Christmas hymn that I genuinely like. It’s fragile and sweet in the verses and almost haunting in the chorus. There have been amazing renditions of this song performed by both men and women, but I feel that for the song to reach its full potential it needs the voices of both sexes, and those voices need to be up to the task of hitting the song’s mind blowing range of notes. Charlotte Church and Placido Domingo (of Three Tenors fame) deliver the best duet of the song I’ve ever heard.

5. Weird Al “The Night Santa Went Crazy” – Along with being one of the greatest Christmas songs ever written, in my opinion this is also one of Weird Al’s best, certainly one of his best originals. It’s the hilarious story of Santa going absolutely ape shit on the entire North Pole with an arsenal that would make Charlton Heston jealous from the grave. It’s also a pretty plausible story. Christmas makes me feel a little violent and I only work in a mall, I can’t imagine the stress that poor bastard’s under every year.

6. The Smashing Pumpkins “Christmastime” – Okay, so as a song it’s mediocre at best and, honestly, kind of gay. But it wouldn’t be Christmas without it. Every year around this time, when I’m in the car listening to the radio, I stick with rock stations trying to avoid Christmas music like leprosy. But they always manage to sneak this one past. I don’t know, I guess it’s kind of grown on me, like leprosy.

7. “Carol of the Bells” as performed by Mr. Mackey – “Hark hear the bells, sweet silver bells, all seem to say, ding dong mmkay.” This one’s from my favorite Christmas special ever, “Mr. Hankey’s Christmas Classics” (South Park, season 3). No explanation is really needed; it’s just hilarious and awesome. I’d also like to give honorable mention to Cartman’s rendition of “O Holy Night” and Mr. Garrison’s “Merry Fucking Christmas” from the same episode.

8. “O Holy Night” as performed by Steve M. – This one has been floating around the internet for a few years. It is single-handedly the worst rendition of this song ever recorded, and I mean that in the best possible way. I could sing this song badly and nobody would laugh and it wouldn’t become an underground internet sensation. It takes talent to sing this badly, as was evidenced when the mysterious singer finally revealed himself to the Burnside Writers Collective last year and confessed that he actually has a degree in Classical Music Theory and writes music commercially (although he also admits that he does indeed have a terrible voice). Losing the mystery of whether or not this is a joke takes away some of the fun, but the recording itself is timeless in its awfulness.

9. Gayla Peevy “I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas” – My mother goes completely bat shit every time this song comes on, probably because she was four when it was released and she probably hasn’t gone a single Christmas without hearing it since. As far as novelty songs go, this has to be the longest-lasting one of all time. I do sort of have a soft spot for this song in my heart though. As a kid I would giggle like a hippie every time I heard it, and that’s a nice memory.

10. “Jingle Bells, Batman Smells” playground traditional – I don’t know the origins of this song. I could probably look it up on Wikipedia, but then I would be the douche who looked up “Jingle Bells, Batman Smells” on Wikipedia for a blog that I’m not getting paid for. I do, however, know the song very well, as I’m sure you do. It’s almost a rite of passage for children to learn this song when they get to the age of about four or five and begin to develop a sense of humor and an appreciation for lampooning. Having known this version almost as long as the original and having spent many childhood Christmases singing it when I was supposed to be singing the original, for me this one is about as Christmas classic as it gets. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nzIuvfF1ISA&feature=related

11. Foghat “Run Rudolph Run” – The original by Chuck Berry was one of the first pop Christmas songs ever created (Tidbit Alert: It was also one of the first songs to ever mention freeways). This is another one I first heard in Home Alone when I was five. Having become very well known and having been covered about a trillion times, “Run Rudolph Run” has almost become a Christmas traditional in its own right. Why did I pick the Foghat version? Because Foghat kicks ass.

12. George Harrison “Ding Dong Ding Dong” – Is the Beatles rule actually in effect? I haven’t heard anything else about it. Anyway, in case it is, requirement sort of met. It has the obligatory sleigh bells of a “Christmas” song that isn’t otherwise all that Christmas-ey, but it also has an interesting (if not typically Harrison [and incredibly repetitive]) guitar riff and a happy beat. Overall it’s a pretty fun song……and it’s not “Happy Xmas (War is Over).”

13. Stevie Wonder “Someday at Christmas” – Speaking of “Happy Xmas (War is Over),” let’s talk about a good Christmas war protest song. Everything about this song, the composition, the lyrics, Stevie’s voice, is absolutely beautiful. A few years ago in college, when a friend and I were doing something similar to this around Christmas (just not writing it all down), he played this for me and it was one of those moments where you just immediately fall in love with a song. This is definitely one of my all time Christmas favorites.

14. The Kinks “Father Christmas” – On the most capitalist of holidays, this song explores the inherent class struggle of Christmas through the story of a mall Santa who gets mugged by some kids who don’t want any toys, they just want his money, or maybe a machine gun to “scare all the kids down the street.” It also raises the interesting point of how the real Santa always seems to get the best presents for rich kids…….curious.

15. MXPX “Christmas Night of Zombies” – Zombies and Christmas are the two scariest and best things ever. Zombies on Christmas? Well that’s just too awesome to not make the list.

16. George Thorogood and the Destroyers “Rock and Roll Christmas” – “I Drink Alone” and “One Bourbon One Scotch One Beer” would be much better Thorogood songs to describe my favorite holiday traditions. But some whiny nerd would probably complain that they’re not actually Christmas songs, so I’m using this one instead. It’s really just a solid blues-rock instrumental that doesn’t actually have anything to do with Christmas, but it uses a few bars of “Joy to the World” at the beginning and it has “Christmas” in the title, so requirement met and the Destroyers are officially on the list.

17. Run D.M.C. “Christmas in Hollis” – This is THE Christmas hip hop song, not that there are a lot to choose from. If you want some bass and bounce in your Christmas music like I do, Run D.M.C. is the place to go. Run’s verse is a silly story with a classic Christmas message where he finds Santa’s wallet and tries to do the right thing by returning it and Santa ends up letting him keep the money. D.M.C.’s verse is more nostalgic and heartfelt, full of home-with-the-family Christmas imagery. Overall it proves to be more than novelty. It’s actually a really solid Run D.M.C. song.

18. Jim Jones “Dipset Xmas Time” – If you’re more into the gangsta rap and Run D.M.C. just won’t cut it for your hip hop Christmas needs, well then it sucks to be you because there really just isn’t much Christmas related gangsta rap out there. I guess there’s not much street cred in spitting rhymes about the most wonderful time of the year. Fortunately for you Jim Jones don’t give a fuck and went ahead and released a Christmas album, Dipset Xmas, although only five of the ten songs actually have anything to do with Christmas. This is my favorite song on the album. It’s about what you’d expect from a gangsta rap Christmas song; stories of hard times hustling at Christmas, rhymes about picking up fly bitches at Christmas, lots of bell samples and a completely unrelated diatribe about a car. But it has a good soulful chorus and, as always, Jones brings the charisma.

19. Jethro Tull “First Snow on Brooklyn” – This is my favorite song off of Jethro Tull’s Christmas Album, one of the best rock Christmas albums I’ve ever heard. It’s a beautifully bittersweet song about coming home for Christmas in which the narrator literally sees home in a way he hasn’t since childhood, covered in snow. I’m pretty sure there’s also a metaphor there.

20. “Auld Lang Syne” as performed by Jimi Hendrix – After Christmas comes New Year, the time of resolutions and renewal (and cirrhosis inducing alcohol consumption). If I can rock the shit out of next year even a quarter as well as Hendrix rocked the shit out of this New Year staple, well than I’ll be doing pretty damn well.

Top 5... Christmas Presents for Musicians

Ah, to find the perfect present. In the holiday season you always want to get that perfect something for the one's you love, and I tend to pride myself on being an excellent gift giver. For Brittny this year I got her a gift card for a nice restaurant so that Aaron, (whether he likes it or not,) could take her out for a romantic dinner, and for Aaron I got a remote control zombie. But what if you were in the record business? What would you get for all of your musician friends? Here is a list of our top five perfect presents we would give to our friends in the music industry.

Chuck

1. To: Bob Dylan, Jimi Hendrix's Voice and Guitar Skills - We all know that Dylan isn't the best singer in the world, (Despite what Rolling Stone might say.) And several people have taken songs Dylan wrote and gotten bigger hits than he ever came close to, from "Blowin' in the Wind," to "Mr. Tambourine Man." But Dylan never sounded better than when Hendrix covered "All Along the Watchtower," from Hendrix's crazy licks to his still far from perfect yet incredibly appropriate voice. So this is what i'm getting old Bobby for Christmas, besides modern music could use another Jimi Hendrix to spice things up, and when these two powers combine...

2. To: Stevie Wonder, The chance to redo the 80's - I was trying to add a fifth artist to my top 5 not long ago, and seriously considered Stevie Wonder for some time before ultimately eliminating him because everything he did after 1980 was complete rubbish. Sure, the 80's were tough for everyone, the Rolling Stones stopped having hit singles, Clapton stopped playing guitar, and ZZ Top started to get new wave influences, but no one had it worse than Mr. Wonder. And he showed such promise in the seventies, from an early child sensation with motown, to the beautiful combination of funk and soul he put out in the late seventies. So here is you chance to go back and put some soul into the godless void that was the eighties.

3. To: David Draiman (The lead singer of Disturbed), A Monkey – Many people in the heavy metal industry have a shtick, I have come to accept this, and for a lot of them this is a huge part of their charm, (See: GWAR.) Many people also use what are, on the outside, seemingly retarded ideas and turn them into something fairly badass. On "Crazy Train" Ozzy managed to make a train conductor sound metal, Judas Priest made leather chaps and homosexuality metal, but the lead singer of Disturbed has been trying for years to make monkeys metal, in his signature "ooh ah, ah, ah," shout heard predominantly in most of the band's songs, and i'm still just not buying it. Sure monkey's have great potential for metal in theory; they fling their own feces, can be terribly savage and are covered with more hair than Zak Wylde, but much like communism, it just doesn't work. Or perhaps he has always just wanted one. A loyal companion to be there for you when mommy beats you or when you get down with some sickness. So for Draiman I have gotten a monkey. Maybe now he will try a different animal, may I suggest a horsie?

4. To: Jimmy Page, Jon Paul Jones, and Jason Bonham, Pliers – Everyone wants to see Led Zeppelin get back together and tour, maybe even put out a new album. Even 3/4th's of Led Zeppelin wants to see this. Robert Plant however does not. What I think Robert Plant fails to realize is people have only cared about his "solo" career twice since he left Led Zeppelin. The first time was when he recorded an album with Jimmy Page because it was kind of like a Zeppelin album, only without being any good. And the second time was when he recorded an album with Allison Krauss, and that was only because it was just so damn weird and random. It was a true, "He recorded an album with who?" moment. So for the 3/4ths of Zeppelin who do want to get back together I have gotten some pliers, so that they can pull the giant stick out of Plant's ass and get back on the road.

5. To: Aretha Franklin, Respect - This is sadly the only present that I can get any of my favorite artists this holiday season and absolutely guarantee. You see, recently Aretha was voted the number one vocalist of all time in Rolling Stone's top 100 vocalists issue. Just over forty years ago Aretha burst onto the scene demanding just this very thing in a reworked version of one of Otis Redding's songs, and was quickly heralded as the Queen of Soul. But to see Rolling Stone name her as the number one vocalist seems like quite the accomplishment to me, especially in a magazine that tends to ignore soul more times than not. So merry Christmas to Aretha and everyone else out there!

Aaron

1. To: Amy Winehouse – A cheeseburger: Poor, poor, poor soulful diva. You have come so far. And yet we are going to lose you. I understand that the rock lifestyle is something that the average non-rocker can not comprehend, but do you really want to join the ranks of the illustrious “Forever 27”? Being born in 1983 she only has two more years to go. I usually don't let music artist's personal habits influence me when it comes to their music (Michael Jackson) but I would hate for you to be another Buddy Holly and make us all wonder what you could have been after a horrible demise. So, Mark Ronson, if you really want to help her career, supersize it. Please.

2. To: The Rolling Stones – Yoko Ono: The one thing that I have always liked about the Beatles is that they broke up at the pinnacle of their career. If they hadn't broke up they could have ended up like Madonna, The Police, Led Zeppelin, AC/DC or even the Rolling Stones. Why isn't it enough for these artists to revel in their own greatness of the past. I think they will be on that stage performing until they have to use wheel chairs. So, for Christmas, I am going to get the Stones their very own Yoko Ono. This way they can finally quit before they need one of the roadies to change their diapers after each song.

3. To: Toby Keith – A Ball Gag: I do like country. But I think modern country music, as a genre, has deteriorated to the point that it is almost unlistenable. I'm so serious, I just made up a word to describe it. And I don't want to pick on Toby Keith in general. There are others to blame as well. But Toby Keith's lyrics are written for morons. Now if you like Toby Keith it's ok, you just don't know any better. You have been subjected to modern country for so long that you just need to withdraw yourself from it for a while and you might be salvageable. Stop listening to country radio and put on some Willie Nelson or some David Allen Coe and remember what country is supposed to sound like. And as for you Toby Keith, cut it out. Stop furthering the stereotype that Randy Newman loves to sing about. And use the ball gag that you will be getting shortly in the mail.

4. To: Elvis Presley – Doc Brown: I have always extremely enjoyed Elvis. But I have always thought that the years that he had spent in Vegas were very sad. It was a depressing and desperate act that should never have happened. So for Christmas I am going to talk to Doc Brown and have him travel to 1967 and kill Kirk Kerorian before he builds the International Hotel in Las Vegas. Then travel to 1968 and meet Elvis after his comeback special and tell him, “that’s it.....we all love you man but you have to quit before every one remembers you as fat Elvis and not 1950's rockabilly Elvis.” I think he will understand.

5. To: Eric Clapton - create the first “Best Man to Introduce Black Music to Whites Since Elvis” Award: I have to admit that I didn't know who Robert Johnson was until I heard Me and Mr. Johnson from Eric Clapton. Not long after that I actually made a pilgrimage to Mississippi to pay respects to Robert Johnson's final resting place. And if I had to make a top twenty list of my favorite covers the first ten would be songs from that album. He has always had a way to pierce my soul with his songs. I actually believe sometimes that Clapton is pulling a “Milli Vanilli” and not actually singing or playing his instrument. But I can't see him as one of the Monkeys, so I guess I'm wrong. So if any big executives are reading this, do me a favor, honor this man for erasing the color barrier in music and give him a nice shinny award.

Glen

1. To: John Fogerty, the ability to pronounce the phonetic sound ‘er’ – The lead singer of Creedence is woyking for the man while the big wheel keeps on toyning and Proud Mary keeps on boyning. Also, he hoyd it through the grape vine. Who’s actually leading this band here, John Fogerty or Elmer Fudd?

2. To: The Other Two Members of The Police, Tantric sex lessons – Can you name the other two members of The Police without looking it up? I can’t. Now I know Sting was always the front man, but as far as I recall his solo thing wasn’t going all that well until this entire hullabaloo started about having sex for nine hours. Maybe if the other two guys get in on that, people will know their names as well. While I’m at it, I’ll get them cool nicknames too.

3. To: Robert Plant, a pot to either shit in or get off – First he’s committed to the 2009 mega world reunion tour, then he’s not. But there’s still speculation that he might come back around. Or is it just wishful thinking? Hopefully he does it, but either do it or don’t. This whole keeping the world waiting with bated breath thing is just lame.

4. To: Tommy Tutone, Jenny’s Area code – Back in the 80’s seven digits may have cut it, but these days you can’t even call yourself without entering an area code. If Tommy wants to get a hold of Jenny for a booty call in the twenty-first century, he’s going to need three more digits. Then again, she’s probably kind of old and saggy with a gaggle of kids by now, so he might want to re-gift this one.

5. To: Brittney Spears, Me – She may be an atrocious musician, a bad parent and a train wreck of a human being, but even bug-eyed crazy with a shaved head, she was still hot. She can most definitely have me for Christmas this year.

Matt

1. To: Marvin Gaye - One of 50 Cent's Bulletproof vests.
2. To: Pre-1977 Lynyrd Skynyrd - A Tour Bus.
3. To: Jeff Buckley - Swimming Lessons.
4. To: Johnny Ace - Some Blanks.
5. To: Hank Williams - Back Surgery.

Crowded Houses and How We Operate

(I am starting something new, not new for a blog in any way shape or form, but new for our website. I am going to rant and hopefully be interesting in the process. I want to encourage all of my writers to do the same and just send me things to post whenever you want to get something off of your chest or feel you have something interesting to say. Just have it be kind of related to music. As you will see shortly, I strongly emphasize the “kind of.” I want to add as much diversity as we can.)

I live in a very crowded house. A little over a month ago my best friend Aaron, his girlfriend Brittny and myself moved to Albany on not much more than a whim. We found a tiny little townhouse right next to the hospital where Aaron and I work and squeezed all of our shit and piles of vinyl records inside. Sound travels through the apartment seamlessly and I swear you can hear the TV louder in any other room of the house than the room it is actually being watched in. Needless to say we step on each others toes, or to be more accurate and honest, we annoy Brittny and she annoys us back.

You see Aaron and I are of a like mind, and this was never more apparent to me than yesterday. Things started when I was trying to sleep, and suddenly Brittny was stomping around the apartment screaming at the top of her lungs about bullshit and how fucked up everything was. I, of course, got out of bed and told her in the nicest way possible to stop her bitching and shut the hell up so I could sleep (or nice for me.) It seems Aaron and I had eaten something she had planned on eating and this snowballed into an argument between the two of us over about a dozen other things that had been bothering her. Most predominant of these incidents was the fact that I was single handedly ruining her and Aaron's relationship and secondly that Aaron and I team up against her during arguments or when decisions are made.

The first incident I mention merely because I thought then that it was ridiculous, still do, and include it for comic effect (and if you‘re reading this darlin’, sorry. You live with a writer, everything is open game. Luckily, I’m pretty sure nobody reads this shit.) The second argument I had to admit there was indeed some credence to. Why is this? Is it intentional? Would Aaron sabotage his relationship by siding with me instead of Brittny knowingly? Would I take sides against Brittny just to be malicious? No, no, no and yes, but only because she has been pissing me off since we moved, however this is far too much of a chicken and egg scenario for me to even ponder investigating.

So why the clashing, the inability to cohabitate, the weirdness, the seriousness, the bitching and complaining? Because we come from different worlds, and not Venus and Mars. No, Aaron and I come from the world that has been put on wax and spun in our rooms on dozens of lonesome nights, a world overrun by zombies (be it the flesh eating variety or the type who are slaves to the rules of society we stop adhering to when we type up a story or rant or get in the car and just drive,) or a world where a sword fight in the snow is a perfectly acceptable way to spend a Saturday morning. Brittny lives in world deep inside a Coach purse, a world full of seriousness to the point of absurdity (at times), and a world probably a dozen times harder than ours because in ours you can simply lift up the needle or shrug it off your shoulder. Neither is right, neither is wrong, we just see things differently. I’m sure if she were to write her description of our world it would come out looking ridiculous, irresponsible and absurd (much like the Monkey King.)

At the end of the argument, while still conceding that Aaron and I certainly did agree more often than she and I did, I attested that she was blowing things out of proportion. Later that evening I was at work with Aaron, and suddenly “Don’t Dream It’s Over,” by Crowded House, pops into my head as the two of us were standing around talking. Later one of the nurses walked up to us and asked us to go down the hall and help a patient in room 11. On our way to the room I overheard Aaron singing the chorus to the same song that had just popped into my head. “Was that just on the radio?” I asked him.
“Nope, just stuck in my head.”
“We’re you just singing it?”
“Nope.”
“It’s been in my head for a couple minutes now too.”
“Yeah, not surprising.”

And that’s just how we operate. My point in writing this is partly as a testament to the power of friendship and partly to just say that it can be hard to fit two separate worlds under one roof. Sometimes when living in a crowded house you just need enough space. So Brittny, again, if you are reading this we will try to be more tolerant of your seriousness if you can find it to be more tolerant of our silliness. And also, if you are reading this, why? Shouldn’t you be blowing your boyfriend instead of reading my rant?

Charles Hall

"All I can do is write about it."
Ronnie Van Zant

Songs about... Ourselves (the authors of this website)

Introduce Yourself… Right On
First playlist, twenty songs that describe you. Overall theme songs. The musical equivalent of the self-portrait art project your 6th grade art teacher made you do in watercolors. The songs that would play over the opening credits of the sitcom that is your life. Your, “I‘m No Superman,” or “I’ll Be There For You.”.

Chuck

1. Electric Eel Shock “Bastard”: I always picture myself riding down Broadway in a glamorous float when I hear this song, and I picture the throngs of my adoring fans shouting this out with glee as my float passes by.

2. Anthrax “Madhouse (Greater of Two Evils Version)”: This song always reminds me of growing up at my parents house. Hiding in my room, trying to avoid their insanity and random bizarre urges. My mom’s homicidal urge to kill our animals for the slightest infraction, her religious fanaticism, my father’s hopeless drinking, ah, tones of home. I also chose the Greater of Two Evils version because it’s just so much more metal.

3. Dewey Cox “Walk Hard”: For a long time I was without any means of transportation at all, save for my own two feet. So I walked, everywhere. It eventually turned into a form of meditation, and could be a nice escape from the madness that was my life, especially in my adolescent years. Though it has made me lazy in a strange sort of way. I still don’t have a car, really because I am just to lazy to get one, while I have absolutely no problem walking ten miles. Weird.

4. G. Love & the Special Sauce “Kick Drum”: When I was in 9th grade my family was very involved with church, and like any good Christians they woke their unwilling child up bright and fucking early every Sunday morning and dragged me along. I however managed to get something good out of the bargain, I got the then youth pastor, who is still a close friend of mine and very standup guy to teach me how to play drums. Which led me even further into my musical addiction, as well as gifting me with the inability to sit still and not fidget for more than a minute.

5. Arthur Conley “Sweet Soul Music”: “Do you like good music?” If I had it my way, most of my conversations would begin, and more times than not, end with that question. “No? You don’t? I have lost all interest in what you have to say.” And of all types of music, soul is probably my absolute preferred genre, so this song gains even more points there in my world.

6. Tool “Hush”: I love this song, because I get into trouble very often for saying exactly what is on my mind. However, unlike the narrator of this song, I am probably kidding much less than people actually think I am. And kids, do take note, if you really want to insult someone, just say it with a smile and people normally think you are merely joking. Or they get pissed off and stab you.

7. Adam and the Ants “Goody Two Shoes”: For a very long time I did not drink at all, and I still never smoke. I don’t smoke because it has just never appealed to me, aside from a cigar on rare occasions. I didn’t drink because I saw it completely end some people I really care about, and only do these days in moderation, and really just to be social. This only changed because I dated an alcoholic for a short period of time. And while I think few people would label me as a goody two shoes, this song has such a great beat!

8. John Mayer “Gravity”: While I sincerely do pride myself on how big of a dick I can be at times, I am not always, a complete douche. And since every decent playlist needs a sweet sensitive song, that slows everything down and shows how human the list maker is, this is it. This song always comes to mind when something happens that brings me and all of my tremendous ego back to the beginning and reminds me that I and more often than not, the people around me, are not immortal. It’s a very humbling song, and sometimes even the best of us need to be humbled.
9. Radiohead “Everything in It’s Right Place”: A song about obsessive compulsive disorder and neurosis, how perfect! I am not the biggest Radiohead fan, I like some of their stuff, but for the most part think they are overrated. Which isn’t as terrible as it sounds, I love the Doors, but think they are the most overrated band ever. Regardless, I found this song when I was working on a playlist of songs about psychological disorders, and find it fits pretty well for myself as well. I have had OCD for a long time, and personally think it is getting much better, (though my roommates may disagree,) but still it is part of my life and therefore part of my soundtrack.

10. Johnny Cash “Man in Black”: I wear a lot of black, plain and simple. Not really. I made this list a while ago, and Aaron and I were listening to it on the way up to Albany as we were moving from Florida. On the trip Aaron looked at me and said, so you wear black for all the same reasons Cash says he does in the song? And I jokingly replied something about it being more metal than pink or some shit. But he wasn’t actually far from the truth. I have lost two of my best friends in my time, and started dressing in black far more often after the first passed away. There isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t miss them just a little, and in some stupid way it helps me remember them and how great they were. Also, it’s more metal than pink.

11. Scott H. Biram “Graveyard Shift”: I firmly believe that people are biologically programmed to either be morning birds or night owls. I am of the latter. I woke up at five AM for four years straight, high school, and I never got used to it. No matter if I had all weekend off or what time I went to bed, still like pulling teeth, every morning. So now I work from 11pm to 7am and couldn’t be happier.

12. Collin Hay “My Brilliant Feat”: Sometimes I hear this song and think he’s actually talking about being the world’s best tap dancer. Really, this is a song about doing something amazing and the rush that comes with it. You can look at it as an egotistical song, or just how you feel after doing something amazing. And it’s a feeling I know quite well. Whether it’s affecting someone’s life in a positive way by listening to them when no one else takes the time, or finding new and inventive ways of pissing of fat, obnoxious bull dykes in a bar.

13. My Morning Jacket “Evil Urges”: Everyday is a struggle for me. My psyche is a never ending dichotomy. Am I a saint or a cunt? Do I do something dickish to someone, because I’m pretty sure they really deserve it, or do I turn the other cheek? Which shoulder do I turn to for advice?

14. Mofro “Dirfloorcracker”: I get strange looks a lot of the time because I am proud to admit I am a cracker. To me cracker does not mean white, or racist, it means Floridian (though it can actually be applied to people from Georgia as well,) which to some people is a thing to be ashamed of in itself. The term comes from the cracking sound made by the whips of the cattle (one of Florida’s biggest exports,) ranchers, (and in the Georgian sense the cracking of the corn stalks.) So yes, I am southern and a cracker, but if someone calls me a redneck I will fucking eviscerate them.
15. Massacration “Metal is the Law”: This song is great because it details exactly what you need to do in order to be “metal”. It is also perfect because it exemplifies the type of metal that I really love, the kind that does not take it self seriously at all. Since I am perhaps the most metal person writing for this blog, I felt it was only appropriate to include this.

16. World Inferno Friendship Society “Addicted to Bad Ideas”: If this song would only just play anytime I have one of my “brilliant ideas” perhaps fewer of them would actually come to fruition. Let’s move to New York City in the middle of an economic crisis! Sure your girlfriend can move in with us Aaron, she seems nice! Hey, let’s start a website! I will surely “fail to live long.”

17. Men Without Hats “The Safety Dance”: “We can dance if you want to, we can leave your friends behind, cause your friends don’t dance and if they don’t dance then they’re no friends of mine.” If you ever see me walking down the road with my headphones on, I will probably be dancing. Whether head banging to Megadeth or dancing like the chick from Flashdance to the Darkness, I loves me some dancin’. Of course I am not good at it, but that is merely a technicality. There is a passage from the bible I have always found incredibly beautiful, where David dances out of sheer joy. He dances like a complete fool and everybody mocks him, but he is happy. He is also naked for some odd reason, but that’s beside the point. In my world it’s always safe to dance.

18. The Beatles “Paperback Writer”: I have always wanted to write professionally. That is mainly why I started this website, (Jann Wenner, if you’re reading this, I work cheap.) Aaron and I also started a rule that all playlists must include a Beatles’ song, so requirement met.

19. The Pixies “Wave of Mutilation”: We all went to a bar the other night for Aaron’s girlfriend’s birthday. While there, I got into a music war with a fat, obnoxious bull dyke at the end of the bar. She wanted to listen to “angry white music” and I wanted to listen to Wham! It ended with me making her look like a fool and us all leaving the bar in a hurry so she didn’t try to kill me. A lot of situations with me end like that. For some time Aaron and Brittny had a saying, “everything is more difficult with Chuck.” I just have a way about me, where I can sweep through a place and leave chaos in my wake. Hell there was a time when I almost started a riot at my high school just because I wanted to make fun of some preppy kids.

20. Todd Snider “Alright Guy”: You have to end a playlist almost as strong, if not more so, than you begin it. All things considered, I think I’m an alright guy. I’m a bastard, an asshole, I have my problems, my issues, but all in all, I’m okay. At least I think so. What do you think? Leave comments, suggestions, songs you think work for you, or me, or any of us.


Glen


1. Green Day “Longview” – I have to open the list with this because it’s definitely the song that I’ve called my “theme song” more than any other. Granted it was in high school that I said that, but I said it quite often. In short, it’s about being bored, horny and lazy, which I most definitely was. There’s a beautiful simplicity in its notions of sitting around, complaining of boredom but refusing to do anything productive and masturbating way too much. Accompanied by a raucous punk rock backdrop it describes my high school days with almost creepy familiarity. Maybe it describes today a little more than I’d care to admit as well.

2. The White Stripes “Jolene” – It’s a cover of a Dolly Parton song, but I like the White Stripes version better, so I’m choosing it. On the surface it’s about a woman who is terrified that the man she loves will leave her for Jolene. Convinced that Jolene is far more desirable than herself, she goes to basically beg Jolene to let her keep her own man. The underlying theme is one of insecurity and a fear of someone else being better, things I struggle with. I tend to let minor failures bring me down more than I let minor successes lift me up, and it’s hard for me to be proud of the things I’m good at because I always know there’s someone out there who is better. And, like the narrator, I’m also paranoid about people stealing my shit.

3. Black Sabbath “Megalomania” – I chose the last song because it relates to a streak of insecurity that I struggle with, but I also have an ego big enough to float down Broadway on Thanksgiving. What can I say; I’m an enigma (an egotistical statement if ever there was one). Take, for instance, the mind-blowing narcissism it takes to ramble on for several pages about the twenty songs you think best describe you. All in all I love myself, a lot.

4. The Beatles “Nowhere Man”- Apparently there’s a rule in which every playlist must include a Beatles song, so here’s mine. “Doesn’t have a point of view, knows not where he’s going to.” While the first part of that line couldn’t be further from the truth about me (I have strong points of view on everything from politics and religion to where the Miracle Whip should be spread on a sandwich [on top of the cheese underneath the lettuce]), the second part describes my current station in life perfectly. I keep changing my mind about what I want to be when I grow up every couple of months, I have no idea where I’m going and at the moment I really do feel as though I’m nowhere.

5. Blue Oyster Cult “This Ain’t The Summer Of Love” – “Things ain’t what they used to be and this ain’t the summer of love.” I frequently sit around wishing I had come of age in the late sixties and negatively comparing the world today to the world then. Whenever I think of things I’d like to do, like travel around aimlessly, live off the grid, or start a cult, I’m always haunted by how difficult they are to do today but how easy they would have been back then. One of my great regrets in life is not having been born forty years earlier. I’m plagued by overwhelming nostalgia for a time that I wasn’t even alive to see.

6. No Cash “Gasoline” – This song is raw youth anger filled with violent imagery and a general fuck-it-all attitude, a state of mind which was especially prevalent for me in high school and college, and which I still find myself returning to occasionally.

7. Sid Vicious “I Did It My Way” – He covered the Frank Sinatra classic and he really did do it his way, adding such lyrics as “to think, I killed a cat, and may I say not in the gay way.” There’s something about butchering a masterpiece that really tickles the destructive, anarchic part of me. And the sheer violent insanity of Vicious himself speaks to the monster inside that likes to get blackout drunk and kick in a car window just for the hell of it. I could actually add any version of this song to this playlist because whatever I do in life I want to do my own way for my own reasons. My biggest fear is to let myself become a slave or a puppet. But the profanity laced Sid Vicious version is definitely most appropriate for me. I once made my ex-girlfriend promise that if anything were to ever happen to me, despite my mother’s certain protests, she would make sure this song got played at my funeral.

8. Tupac “I Ain’t Mad At Cha” – I’ve had anywhere from a minor to a major falling-out with about half of my really good friends throughout life, and I’ve settled it and become friends again every time. I’m not one to hold a grudge and I’ll apologize when I know I’m wrong. My friends are too important to me to lose over bullshit, so when it’s possible to salvage a friendship, I will.

9. 311 “Creatures (For A While)” – Creature Face is a term coined by a gentleman named Jorge solely for me, to describe the way my eyes get all squinty, my face gets pale and my mouth sort of gapes open on the (rare, I assure you) occasions where I’m completely, beyond-all-hope obliterated. Creature Face usually only happens after getting sick, which rarely happens. Yet my giggly troglodyte of a friend Stratton decided to adopt the term as a sort of nickname for me. When I made the regrettable mistake of facilitating the meeting of the troglodytes, Stratton told Chuck about it and Chuck has now also adopted it. I say it’s humbling and good for the soul to occasionally be a creature for a while.

10. Dead Kennedys “MTV Get Off The Air” – This one pretty accurately represents my feelings toward MTV and today’s television and mainstream pop culture in general. Don’t get me wrong, I love TV and pop culture. I would even go so far as to say they are passions of mine. I did go to school for film and television production, and I watch a lot of TV. I watch the news, the Daily Show/Colbert Report and television shows with plots, characters and dialogue. But these insipid, mind numbing “reality” shows that showcase and glamorize the filth that should be getting scraped out of the filter of the gene pool make me sick, and MTV is largely to blame. I don’t see how anybody can follow these cheap, phony, shitty homages to everything we should have evolved beyond by now and still take their self even remotely seriously. If that offends you than I’m sorry. I’m sorry that you’re one of the idiots I’m talking about and should probably kill yourself.

11. Gary Jules “Mad World” – Sadness is a part of life. I try to make it as small of a part as possible, but I’ve lost some important people, been cheated on by who I once thought was the most important person, and occasionally have those same out-of-the-blue moments of crippling depression that anybody does. So the playlist needs a sad song. I’m not normally a fan of overtly sad and depressing music, but this song I love. The original by Tears for Fears was depressing enough, but this slow-tempo, piano-only cover takes it to another level.

12. AC/DC “Have A Drink On Me” – I’m not going to lie, one of my favorite things to do is to just go out with friends and get “blinded out of [my] mind.” It’s simple, it’s relatively cheap and it’s a hell of a good time. This song conjures up powerful images of good old fashioned drunken fun with the gang.

13. Spoon “Something to Look Forward To” – One of the great feelings in life for me is having something to look forward to. Whether it be a date, a trip, an awesome party, a simple day off or the broad, fuzzy specter of the future, it’s a truly comforting reassurance during the dull or miserable moments of life to know that something, anything, good is coming.

14. Operation Ivy “Caution” – “Caution is a word that I can’t understand.” A few weeks ago I was standing out the sun roof of my friend’s car as he drove sixty through the suburbs with my arms spread wide screaming “I am the angel of death come down upon thee!” Sometimes I do stupid, dangerous shit for no discernable reason. Sometimes caution is a word that I can’t understand.

15. Statler Brothers “Flowers On The Wall” – There have been major advances in home entertainment technology since this song was released in the 60’s. Instead of “playing solitaire till dawn,” I might play GTA IV till dawn. Instead of “smoking cigarettes and watching Captain Kangaroo,” I might smoke cigarettes and watch the entire first season of Flight of the Conchords. Instead of “counting flowers on the wall,” I might spend some quality time on one of my favorite adult oriented websites. But the gist is the same; I stay up late, I smoke like a freight train and I’m easily amused.

16. War “Why Can’t We Be Friends” – I don’t really like confrontation. Well sometimes I do, but only when I’m in a really pissy mood, which isn’t all that often. It’s not that I won’t stand up and tell you you’re an asshole if you are one, it’s just that I’d much rather surround myself with people I get along with and I tend to let occasional minor offences slide in the interest of keeping the peace.

17. Flogging Molly “Irish Drinking Song (Drink and Fight)” – That thing I said in the last entry, “it’s not that I won’t stand up and tell you you’re an asshole if you are one…” well that can be especially true in the midst of a night of heavy libations when the tongue starts to loosen and the adrenaline glands want to let off some steam. Sometimes that leads to a fight and sometimes I’m totally ok with that. To me, the song tells the story of a man who hangs out in the same pub with the same people, drinking and occasionally getting into a fight. My friends Justin and Stratton, the lovable staff of the Four Faced Liar and a guy who was there dressed as Pee Wee Herman one Halloween can attest that it’s a warmly familiar situation.

18. The Offspring “Bad Habit” – “Hey man you know I’m really ok…but when I’m in my car don’t give me no crap ‘cause the slightest thing and I just might snap.” I’ve got a pretty long fuse. It takes a lot to really piss me off, unless I’m driving. The song’s violent fantasies of picking off fellow motorists on the freeway starts running through my head like the screen at a drive-in theater the second somebody leaves their turn signal on a little too long. The highlight of the song, a loud, disjointed string of profanity, is pretty similar to what you might hear me screaming at any given moment on any given road. If any potential employers are reading this, I assure you I’m fine by the time I walk through the parking lot.

19. Pennywise “Still Can Be Great” – This song is all about how hard it is to change, but how it is possible. I actually feel like I’ve matured a lot in the past few years, become more productive and responsible. But it’s been a slow process and one that is still ongoing. I find myself taking steps backward from time to time and I still have a lot of work to do, but I know there’s time and I believe that I still can be great.

20. Ice Cube “It Was A Good Day” – Many of the happenings in the warrior-poet Cube’s self described good day have never happened to me. I’ve never “fucked around and got a triple-double” or been declared a pimp by any form of aviation craft, and the absence of the need for an AK on any particular day in my life is actually pretty average. The reason I relate to the song so much is because of its appreciation of the little things. For Ice Cube, like me, it doesn’t take much to have a good day. He eats some good food, hangs out with his friends, makes a little money, gets some ass, gets drunk and nobody he knows dies. Sounds like a pretty damn good day to me.

Aaron

Aaron Hufty ( An American Sweetheart: The Anthology)
1. Born Bored (by The Rumble Strips) - This song is an homage to the quicksand which was Bradenton, Florida. My emancipation from that region of Florida that my folks drug me to was a huge part of my life. I never wanted to be one of those poor folks that had to live in one place their whole life. So, before I had a wife, kids and was tied down, I escaped. The Rumble Strips currently are one of my favorite bands because of there awesome brass section and vocals.

2. The Greatest Man That Ever Lived (by Weezer) - We all have to feed our egos, and this song is how I feed mine. Yes, I like to exaggerate my own self worth. But it's not my fault that when I look in the mirror the reflection is pure manliness. I love the fact that the lyrics are silly, the music style of the song changes frequently and the vocal harmonies make a ridiculous song sound like they made a serious effort. Go Weezer!

3. Ain't Wastin' Time No More (by The Allman Brothers Band) - Almost ever day I wake up late. After I rise to my feet, look at the clock and see that I wasted all of my day, I say this to myself, "Tomorrow I'm going to wake up early and feel accomplished. Tomorrow is going to be the start of a new me." I'm still waiting for that to happen. This song always makes me feel inspired. It strikes a blow in my existential bone.

4. Give It Away (by The Red Hot Chili Peppers) - I am a big supporter of Karma. I don't really believe in a huge cosmic force that regulates the universe, but I do think that if people treat others with respect, it spreads. People that are surrounded by dicks start to act like dicks. So, not to sound like a hippie, but spread the love and stop being a dick.

5. Schadenfreude (by The Avenue Q Soundtrack) - I know this kind of contradicts the previous song on my list but I can't help laugh at this song. Chuck and I play a game called "Your Team". In which we add sad-sacks and other poor souls on the other's team in order to make fun of them in a very discrete way. And don't judge me. America's Funniest Home Videos made a fortune off the concept of schadenfreude.

6. Dance Tonight (by Paul McCartney) - I can't help but dance to every song that hear that has an upbeat rhythm. In the grocery store, in my house, at the mall or at the bowling alley. I don't even need a sound system. All I need is to make my mind roam astray for a moment and think about a song that is appropriate for the current situation. I start to feel my feet move to the rhythm and I'm off. It's an unstoppable force.

7. The Wanderer (by Dion) - I think most men can appreciate this song. I find it hard to keep interest in one woman for a long period of time. I don't know if it's me or if I just seem to date boring women. Who knows. I love the hunt and the mystery of a new woman in my life. But longevity doesn't seem to be my strong suit. I have drawn out relationships that I was no longer interested in to save the emotional rollercoaster which is a break-up.

8. I’m Finding It Harder To Be A Gentlemen (by The White Stripes) - This explains my never-ending effort to muster the will to be chivalrous in a world that won't say thank you for a kind act, but will shun someone for the absence of it.

9. If Tomorrow Never Comes (by Todd Snider) - I had to add a song about my religious beliefs. I’m more agnostic than anything. I have no problem with religion in general. I do believe that just being a good person should be enough. And not a life long devotion to a belief. "Judge the judgmental and what am I?"-Todd Snider

10. Til' I Get It Right (by Fast Ball) - We can knock out two of my favorite things in this song. My ability to forget my worries by getting lost in a song and spending too much money on vinyl records. It doesn't matter what is going wrong in my life, the process of picking out a record and listening to it can always clear my emotional slate.

11. Fat Bottomed Girls (by Queen) - So....? Are you a breast or ass man? I think you can guess my preference. I am a sucker for a beautiful woman with a big round butt. It may sound like a disrespectful thing to say about women, and maybe it is. but everyone has a preference when it comes to whom they are attracted. So......."get on your bikes and ride!"

12. Should I Stay Or Should I Go? (by The Clash) - I am one of the most indecisive people that I know. If someone asks me the question, "Where should we eat tonight?", my answer is usually, "I don't know? It's up to you." It's mostly because I don't really care for the most part. And if we go somewhere new that is awful, it won't be my fault.

13. Crazy (by Barenaked Ladies) - Even though the title of this song says it all, I think that I should explain further. Sometimes I like to ignore my conscience and better judgment. I find myself doing things that in the short run will be dangerous or embarrassing. But after all the smoke has cleared I know I'll have a great story and a great experience to remember.

14. It's The Little Things We Do (by The Zutons) - I have had my crazy youth years just like every one else. I have had too many bad hangovers to never want to ever drink again. But we all know that will never happen. So this song is a tribute to all the awesome times I've had while drinking and subsequently all the horrible days that have followed. Nothing good ever comes without its consequences.

15. I'll Do Anything (by Jason Mraz) - I like to think that I am very spontaneous. I pretty much just go with the flow. I'll try any food at least once and I am always up for a new adventure. I Do a lot of traveling and plan to see every inch of the United States before I die. Or at least try to.

16. New Shoes (by Paolo Nutini) - I like fresh starts. I'm the opposite of a pack rat. Sometimes I will throw away about half of my belongings and just get new things. A new suit or a new pair of jeans just make me feel like a new man. I think we all need fresh starts once in a while. We all need to stop and reexamine what’s going on around us from time to time.

17. An Idea For A Movie (by The Vandals) - I would be a millionaire by now if all the movies that I had thought up were filmed. There would also be so many more zombie movies than there are now. Most of these gems were the love children of off the wall ridiculous conversations that just wouldn't die. We passed the time waiting in line at Universal Studios by thinking up plausible causes for a zombie Armageddon.

18. Come Together (by The Beatles) - This was a hard choice to make. I had to pick a Beatles song that best resembles me as a person. And after some deep thought, I have picked “Come Together”. I like this song because it's just all nonsense. People tried to decode this song for a long time and it really has no meaning. It's a perplexing piece of work, filled with confusing lyrics and so much mystery. And you want it to make sense, but it never will. I like to make the illusion that I have everything in order and that I am just as powerful as this song seems to be. But in the end...........I'm just all nonsense.

19 Sharp Dressed Man (by ZZ Top) - I pride myself on looking good. I think it's because I'm O.C.D. and not so much of an impressive sense of style. But, you know, whatever works.

20. Fuck Her Gently (by Tenacious D) - This song resembles my love for having a nice laugh over completely vulgar and inappropriate content. Some people may not share my enthusiasm for foul language and dick and fart jokes but that’s there loss.

Matt

1."Always Someone Cooler Than You"- Ben Folds
This Song is the epitome of the transition from School to real life. Listening to it was a revelation, because it's reassuring to know that no matter what I do, someone's always gonna be better, faster, stronger, etc.

2."Sunday Morning" - Maroon 5
Unlike someone else on this site, I'm definitely a morning person. Sunday mornings are best, as one of the local stations in my area plays a 3 hour block of old school and alternative country and that's a bonus. Mornings are my time to get my mind together, and Sundays I usually try to wake up early, watch the sun come up, and alternate between some real down home gospel and easygoing bluegrass or country.

3."Florida" - Mofro
The lyrics to this could have come out of something I'd write if I had an iota of talent. It's exactly how I feel about the sad deterioration of my home state. "Now skyscrapers and superhighways cut right the heart of Florida"--yea sums it just about right.

4."Last DJ" - Tom Petty
Yea I know it's ridiculously cheesy to pick, but I was a DJ in a long ago world and I loved every second of it. I said (pretty much) what I wanted and played every and any type of music possible with only a little bit of blowback. Somehow playing a song called "Fuckin In The Butt" raised come eyebrows, who knew?

5."Running out of Ink" - Barenaked Ladies
The lyrics to this where pretty dead on for me during HS. Writing things and showing them to people, or just performing covers for people I knew, were so nerve-wracking. Didn't drive me to drinkin’, but probably should have.

6."She has a Girlfriend Now" - Reel Big Fish
I had a span in life where a few gals I dated also decided they wanted to date gals and not tell me. That's not nearly as exciting as you'd think.

7."Sell Out" - Reel Big Fish
As a buddy of mine once said, he'd sell out and play music he didn't particularly like to be able to play music for a living only. I think that’s about right. Plus the job I work now ain’t exactly anti-establishment.

8."Eulogy" - Tool
I'm not gonna get on a soapbox here (though that would make me average height if I did) but the words to this intrigue me and I think are a good mirror to show how everyone (including myself) act at times. Saying a lot and not saying a thing simultaneously.

9."Call and Answer" - Barenaked Ladies
This one's self explanatory. I work a phone intensive job. Someone calls and I have to answer. May regret it, but still gotta do it.

10."Till I Get It Right" - Fastball
With the exception of the drinkin’, that’s how I spend a fair amount of my time. Buying music and getting excited about finding all the artists I like, writing e-mails and things I never send because they aren't perfect. It’s annoying, I tell ya.

11."Power of Equality" - Red Hot Chili Peppers
I’m a big believer of everyone being equal. People are all struggling with the same things to different degrees, just trying to get along and enjoy life.

12."Hook" - Blues Traveler
It's true, the damn hook of the song is what brings me back and causes those earworms that eat through my skull. Damn you Blues Traveler!!

13."Tell the Girl" - Cowboy Mouth
Something I end up doing all the time. Sorry for this, sorry for that, but I do make a lot of mistakes, so it ain't their fault.

14."Superstition" - Stevie Wonder
I'm surrounded by people who "believe in things they don't understand" and treat everything like it's a superstition- from sports to daily life.

15."Me Neither" - Brad Paisley
Whenever I walk up to someone and go over a lists of interests, “so do you like this? No?, well me neither. How bout this? Oh of course not, how could I?” It's cyclical I tells ya.

16."Wish I Could Say That I was Drinkin’” - Cadillac Sky
Since I don't drink, this goes through my mind every time I say or do something boneheaded and wish I could take it back.

17."Shake Your Hips" - Legendary Shack Shakers
Yeah, that one really IS self explanatory.

18."Where's the Devil When You Need Him?" - Legendary Shack Shakers
Every now and again, when I’m feeling particularly spiteful or evil, I do wish the devil could do the things the law says I shouldn't. Plus I think he'd be fun to talk to, I’m sure he'd have some kickass stories.

19."Going In The Right Direction" - Robert Randolph and the Family Band
Everyday I gotta make sure I'm going where I want to get where I'll be the happiest. Pretty simple.

20."Thank You Falettinme Be Mice Elf Again" - Sly and the Family Stone
That’s my mantra. You be you, and let me be me, and we'll always be good.

Top 5... Artists of All Time

Here it is, our first Top 5 list. The artists who we could listen to, anytime or anyplace. I should also note, that as far as Aaron and I go, we have not included the Beatles for the same reason that the New York Times does not include the Bible on it's list of best sellers, it's just a given.

Chuck
1. Otis Redding
2. The Allman Brothers Band
3. Ray Charles
4. Johnny Cash
5. Todd Snider

Matt
1. Otis Redding
2. Sly and the Family Stone
3. The Allman Brothers Band
4. The Red Hot Chili Peppers
5. Tool

Glen
1. The Rolling Stones
2. Creedence Clearwater Revivial
3. White Zombie
4. Mos Def
5. Metallica

Aaron
1. Otis Redding
2. Elvis Costello
3. Tom Waits
4. Elvis Presley
5. Todd Snider

A Love of Music: The One Thing Charles Manson and Bruce Willis Have in Common

Last night my buddy Steve asked me an age-old question, one which I’ve thought about before, but one which nobody’s asked me in a long time. If you had to choose one, would you rather be blind or deaf? It’s a tough question. My first response was “if I was deaf I couldn’t hear music, but if I was blind I couldn’t see anything,” a statement which Steve proclaimed to be (in all seriousness I’m sure) “epic.” Overall, the obstacles of deafness are much easier to overcome than the obstacles of blindness. If I were deaf I could still watch movies and TV with subtitles and I could learn sign language and learn to read lips to retain the ability of communication. I wouldn’t be able to hear murderers/rapists/muggers creeping up behind me, but that doesn’t happen too often. The only unconquerable obstacle I could come up with for deafness was that I would never again hear music. There’s no substitute for music and thus it’s too tough of a choice to make. Never see a naked woman again or never listen to the Rolling Stones again. It’s depressing me just to think about it.

To give me some inspiration for this introduction to myself and what music means to me, I put on my absolute favorite song in the entire world, “Gimmie Shelter” by the Stones. I plugged my headphones into the computer and turned the volume up as loud as it would go. As the sultry opening licks build I can feel something building inside of me. Then as it explodes into the drum beat I find myself tapping my foot, bobbing my head, closing my eyes and singing along with the beloved, familiar lyrics. It just feels good. I don’t really have a good reason to give you for why I love music, I just do. I always have, ever since I was a little kid and my dad would put on Simon and Garfunkel and Peter, Paul and Mary records. It took on a life of its own when I got my first CD player. The first time I listened to my first CD, Smash by The Offspring, in my own room on my own CD player, I knew this wasn’t my dad’s music, which meant it was my music, and that just seemed special to me.

iTunes has ruined me on genres and even on albums. More often than not when I’m listening to music I’m listening to it on shuffle, letting fate decide and letting music do the driving. In terms of what kind of music I listen to, I won’t say ‘everything’ because Chuck will throw up in his mouth and because it really wouldn’t be true. I don’t listen to everything by any means. But name any genre of music and I can probably tell you at least a song or two I like. I would have to say my least favorite genre of music is modern country, but I’ll listen to Toby Keith and Willie Nelson doing “Beer For My Horses” any time of the day or night. I don’t particularly care for Reggae-ton, but I’m not above getting down when some Sean Paul comes on at a party. I suppose what I listen to the most would be classic rock, alternative (whatever that actually means), hip hop, metal, punk and some of that college style indie rock (Spoon, Modest Mouse, Iron and Wine, etc). But I really don’t like classifications. Are the Beastie Boys rock or rap? Is Matisyahu reggae or rap? I have a total metal-head friend who doesn’t like White Zombie (my favorite metal band) because they’re not “black metal.” There are sub-species of metal now? This is starting to sound like Biology class. I say fuck the classifications, it’s all music. A lot of it sucks, but that just makes the bands and songs that don’t suck that much more special.

Glen Vaughan

“…when it comes to that fantastic note where the rabbit bites its own head off, I want you to throw that fuckin radio into the tub with me.”

--Dr. Gonzo, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

Get Rhythm

This is a bitch of a paragraph to write. I'd much much rather write a multi-page dissertation on the moon and tide correlation or write a manifesto on crazy folks living in small towns..and I may just write those later. But for now, it's all about the music. Music (Big "M" because its on the same level as the big "C" Church or any other things people hold up to lofty standards) is the lifeblood that flows through my ever-clogging arteries. Without it, I would have no ability to enjoy anything. In my head, it's all music. The steps I take to and from work every day coincide with the song playing in my head at the moment. The rhythm I answer the phone with and type with is all dictated by the notes floating through my noggin as well. Rest assured, if I'm able to, I will have headphones in and be splitting my time between enjoying the overall song I'm hearing and concentrating on dissecting the individual parts that make up the gumbo of awesome-ness that is the song.
In terms of what I consider music, well just about everything falls into that category. Walking outside (and in FL it's always warm enough to walk outside) the sound of the cars driving next to me and people chatting around me are their own hum of life. It's there if ya just listen for it. Now in terms of genres I enjoy, I ain't quite as much a hippie. I'm don't usually enjoy reggae-ton, nor am I a big proponent of much electronica. But I will give it all a chance, because if I don't then I'll risk the chance of missing out. And I'd rather hear something I don't enjoy (Got-Damn Rascal Flats) then be deprived of Music.
Matt Spikes

Listening to Otis Redding at Home During Christmas

The other day I was asked a very hard question. My roommate asked me to write a few words about what music means to me. In my head I laughed because that is like asking me who would I like to meet, John Lennon or Jesus. Well, in order to humor him, here it goes. Music is the great qualifier to my life. It helps me set my frame of mind in any social, emotional, vengeful, and happy event in my life. I can completely alter or continue my mood by simply sliding on some new wax and letting those rpms take me to the place I want to be. I search the lyrics for words of comfort. I imagine that the sad words out of a soulful mouth are ones that have seen the same tears that I have. After my first love and I broke up I listened to Otis Redding nonstop for about two months. Music is the only real constant so far in my life. It's not that my friends and family aren't great, it's that if they are all gone what do I have to fall back on? Music. It lets me express myself through other people's words and rhythm. It is a strange multi-layered, constantly evolving creature that will always exist as long as people still love, hate, have a story to tell, want to tell the world how they feel, are being oppressed, or just feel like singing a song about their favorite pair of pants. It is its own language, one that speaks to all colors, creeds and backgrounds. Because of this, music has always fascinated me. And I practice what I preach. I don't want to be one of those pretentious music nerds that blow hot air for an hour and can name all the members of some trendy New York City buzz band that no one cares about. I just want you to open your ears and your hearts to the thing that was invented long before sliced bread. Lay back and appreciate it like you would staring at space at night. Lose yourself in it. I do.

Sincerely,
Aaron Hufty (the Best Guy Ever)

I've Got a Disease, Deep Inside Me Baby

Music is an obsession of mine. It travels with me like some incurable virus, and is a constant variable in every aspect of my life. I deal with it much the same as any person with a disease or disability learns ways to work around their own ailment. My headphones and MP3 player travel with me literally everywhere I go. I set aside long periods of the day to just listen to music and to contemplate the wonder and complexity of music, my sweet succulent medicine. And I accept that a certain social stigma comes with my disease, after all people do tend to look at you strange when you walk down the street singing along to Ray Charles at the top of your lungs or dancing to the Mika song that only you can hear due to the modern marvel that is, headphones.
So of course, since music is with me at all times, available on demand (only much cheaper than high priced pay-per-view porn) it is only fitting that it match up with what I do, right? If you are reading this, I assume you share my affliction to some degree, perhaps it’s in it’s infancy, or perhaps it’s full blown, but I hope you understand. If not, I’ll explain. Years ago I started taking pilgrimages to Georgia to see where much of it’s vast musical history had come from. So for the drive there I made a mix CD of Georgian artists, it’s one thing to listen to the music and appreciate it, it’s a completely different beast to really see where they were coming from when they wrote these songs. Savvy? Since then it’s gotten worse. The other day my roommates and I drove out to a Christmas tree farm to get a tree, Christmas play list! We’re going to watch Dawn of the Dead later tonight, Zombie play list! I work at a hospital, Medical play list! So long winded explanation aside, that is the point of this website, to provide a soundtrack for the lives of the masses, because without music, life is a sad, black and white silent picture.
So what do I listen to? I ask that to almost every single person I meet, and I HATE it when they say… everything. Why? Because it’s bullshit! No one listens to “everything,” ever. I have come to realize that people who claim to listen to everything more times than not actually listen to nothing. They have no passion for music, so therefore blend it all together into one giant pot of something they only have a mild appreciation for. Which is all well and good, but ultimately disappointing if you go into it with expectations they love everything you do. So let me tell you what I don’t listen to, because there is a lot that I do, just not everything. No modern country, no reggaton, and probably not most of the rap they play on the radio. That aside, I’m pretty diverse. All that aside, on to the playlists.

Much Love from New York,
Chuck