Samuel L. Jackson is a punk ass motherfucker.

So the other day I was watching The Tonight Show and I saw Conan interview legendary whore of an actor Samuel L. Jackson. So I see this guy walk out, dressed all like a pimp and admittedly looking way cooler than I ever will, and I‘m just disgusted at how hard he tries to come off as hot shit. I can’t help but think “Samuel L. Jackson, more like Samuel L. Jerkson.” Perhaps that’s too petty, but we get it, you’re a cool black guy and can get away with wearing Kangol hats without looking like a British chimney sweep, or even worse a pretentious film student. Then to prove how much of a tough guy badass he is, he tries to act like he goes around challenging people who criticize him on the internet. Again, point taken, nobody fucks with you. Though if you are really going to act like you challenge people, couldn’t you have picked someone a little more intimidating than bloggers?

What annoys me the most about Samuel L. is that he’s a one trick pony. The fact that he yells and curses a lot is no big secret, but the stereotype is just so painfully true that it’s absurd. It has to be one of the most accurate stereotypes I have ever heard, ever. Every movie I’ve seen him in, he screams and yells and curses, except for Kill Bill 2, but he was only in that for about half a second. So that’s one, one movie in which he doesn’t scream and yell, and I’ve met at least two Asians who were bad at math. So there you have it, most accurate stereotype ever. Not to mention that the man will be in just about anything. Snakes on a Plane? He signed on to do that one before all of the internet hype(And it still bombed). The other day a friend of mine was showing me an old home movie of his daughter’s birthday party, and there was Samuel L, sticking his finger in the frosting before they even cut the fucking cake. Apparently if there is a camera involved and even a small amount of money (or cake) he will show up. (It was pretty bad because then he started yelling at all the kids to get out of the goddamn pool after they ate because they’d get cramps. “Do you want motherfucking cramps? I Don’t think so!”)

So here, for my humble website I have compiled a list of ten of the greatest diss songs of all time for your enjoyment and detailed how I think they best describe Mr. Jackson (or Jerkson if you prefer.)

1. “Hit Em’ Up” - 2Pac: One of the sickest and most angry diss songs of all time. In this song you really believe that Pac is out for blood, and means business. So Mr. Jackson, “remember when I used to let you sleep on the couch?” also don’t you have sickle-cell or something?

2. “You’re So Vain” - Joni Mitchell: Another classic, and so ambiguous. But there’s nothing ambiguous about what I’m writing here. Sam, you probably think this post is about you... well it is you dumb fuck.

3. “Brainwashed” - Ben Folds: Went with a lesser known one here. Off of Ben Folds’ latest album, this song is a reply to a song that someone else (another mystery!) wrote about Ben as a diss. Basically the song says, don’t be lame and write a diss song, say it to my face. I completely agree, I would love to say all this to Sam’s face if I thought he actually would let me. “Maybe next time we should just have a dance off,” Sammy.

4. “How Do You Sleep” - John Lennon: John’s famous post-Beatles song putting down his ex-bandmate Paul McCartney. Very appropriate in this situation, how do you sleep knowing you are completely devoid of any artistic integrity whatsoever Jackson? “A pretty face may last a year or two, but pretty soon they’ll see what you can do.”

5. “Positively Negative” - Todd Snider: Completely obscure, but I’m sure Sam knows it. You like folk music, right Jackson? Anyways, for a folk artist Snider manages to completely fill this tune with vitriol and hate. I live in New York Sam, “Come over here tonight and I will let you treat me like the victim I’m not gonna be.” You see I'm taking lyrics from all these songs and using them to insult you... oohhhhh.

6. “Double Talking Jive” - Guns N’ Roses: Roses' diss on Metallica, my diss on Jackson basically the same. Whore yourselves out and “get the money motherfucker”. Great minds think alike (wait did I just compare myself to Axl Rose… I need to shower.)

7. “Go Your Own Way” - Fleetwood Mac: Another classic, everyone has heard it. Plain and simple, you can go your own way or you can meet and talk. I will criticize you to your face sir, with harsh words and both constructive and non-constructive criticism.

8. “Stacked Actors” - Foo Fighters: Dave Grohls brutal assault on Courtney Love, a bit more obscure but almost as angry as 2Pac on “Hit Em’ Up”. I can’t really find any great insults or lyrics from this song, so… Jackie Brown was really fucking boring. What now?

9. “GWB” - Lily Allen: This song is so wonderful because it’s the most cheery tell off that I’ve ever heard. Seriously, just listen to how chipper she sounds while singing “Fuck you, fuck you very, very much. Because we hate what you do and we hate your whole crew.” I’m singing it right now, can you see the smile on my face?

10. “Ether” - Nas: Figured I would begin and end with a rap diss song. I didn’t fill the list with them because they are a dime a dozen, but the two I chose are two of the absolute best. “I am the truest, name a rapper I ain’t influenced,” no... wait, that doesn’t work at all… How about “you no mustache having, with whiskers like a rat.” Or maybe just keep it simple and say, “You a fan, a phony, a fake, a pussy, a Stan,” (What’s a Stan? Oh well, sounds good.)

Anyways, there you have it. You want to meet and discuss these criticisms, then fine. I live in New York, now I know you’re out in L.A. but I’m sure a big actor like you can find some reason to go to the Big Apple, they shoot movies there too! At the very least I’m sure you could go to Times Square and end up in front of a couple cameras, manned by the finest tourist cinematographers in the world (It will at least be of better quality than Meteor Man). I will meet you anytime you want at Sylvia’s in Harlem. You name the time and date and I will be there. As a matter of fact, I will even full out challenge you to a three part contest, because I think you are the Great Motherfucking Hype and won’t stand by your word. So here’s the challenge. A triathlon of greatness if you will.

1. We meet at Sylvia’s and have a chicken eating contest. Whoever can eat the most pieces of chicken is the winner, and it shouldn’t be hard because their food is fucking delicious (seriously, have you eaten there? I think anybody who’s anybody probably has, but if not do yourself a favor. It’s right off of 125th. Fucking phenomenal man.).

2. An insult contest. An impartial judge will determine which of us can throw out the best insults at one another. We each have ten turns and we will alternate between insults. Each insult will be rated by the impartial judge on a scale of one to ten.

3. A cardboard tube fight. That’s right, but don’t be scared. You are supposed to be like the most bad-assed Jedi ever or something, so you shouldn’t have anything to worry about. We will both be armed with a standard cardboard packaging tube from any office supply store and fight until the other’s tube is broken or severely bent and no longer functional. And you should know a thing or two about non-functioning tubes. Getting petty again, sorry.

So are you man enough Sam? You can even bring a camera if you want, and I promise there will be no sharks present to suddenly eat you. You can contact me through my site here if you want or just call me, 321-331-9253. Talk to you soon. Hugs and kisses,

Charles

Most Beautiful Songs of All Time

Beautiful Songs

I teased at it a couple weeks ago, and have finally decided to make the playlist for this week the twenty most beautiful songs ever written, or at least in our humble opinions. What makes a song beautiful is probably something that could be debated infinitely. Is it complexity, musical composition, the singer’s voice, lyrical content? Should it move you to tears, or make you smile from ear to ear? For the purposes of this we’ll just say it’s a combination of all of those elements.

Chuck

1. Mofro “Brighter Days”: This song opens with a simple and sweet piano piece before singer JJ Grey comes in and starts singing about the glories of youth and the pain of leaving all of that behind whether it’s from moving to another town or just as you grow older. This song rings especially true for me as I have recently moved across the country. And while I still think it was the right decision, sometimes I do long for the both literally and figuratively brighter days back home in sunny Florida.

2. Jon Cleary “Smile in a While”: This song is about one of the many great features that can be found in a beautiful woman, and one that is often over looked, a great smile. This is one of my biggest turn-on’s. A girl’s smile can melt your heart in a second and make you willing putty in her hand if she knows how to use it. In this song Cleary sings with more soul than an old white guy should be able to muster to the sexy pulsing backbeat laid down by his band. Some songs are made for fucking, and some are made for making love, this is one of the latter.

3. Van Morrison “Tupelo Honey”: I think you’ll find that most of the songs on this list are about women. These women have inspired some of the most wonderful and grand gestures by men to create something of as much beauty and grace as said women are born with naturally. Look at great art, great writings, anything. All that aside, this is probably my favorite Van Morrison song, and it breaks my heart every time I hear it.

4. Otis Redding “I’ve Been Loving You Too Long (To Stop Now)”: Breaking up can be hard to do, and in this song, Otis’ heartfelt plea to stay with him is both heart wrenching and incredibly sweet. Then the song suddenly builds into a climactic finish with Otis screaming in pain for his woman not to leave.

5. Al Green “Let’s Stay Together”: If I were to propose to a woman, I think I would want this song playing in the background no matter how I did it, and it seems like that is pretty much Green’s intention in the song as well. This song just exudes romance.

6. The Beatles “In My Life”: I almost went with “Something,” which is yet another beautiful song about the simple glories of a woman, (and apparently quite an amazing woman at that, because Clapton wrote “Layla” about the same chick.) However, I knew Matt would probably pick it, so I instead went with this one, Lennon’s reminiscent ode to life gone by, places he’s been and people he’s known. There’s something beautiful in the simplicity of this song. Yeah, shit changes, just appreciate it while it’s there.

7. Ben Folds “Don’t Change Your Plans”: The Ben Folds Five’s album Whatever and Ever Amen is generally regarded as their best album, but their follow-up The Unauthorized Biography of Reinhold Messner has some incredibly intricate piano pieces that make up some of Folds sweetest and most musically impressive songs.

8. Big Brother and the Holding Company “Take Another Little Piece of My Heart”: Similar to Otis’ “I’ve Been Loving You Too Long,” I find something beautiful in heartbreak and pain. It sounds weird, sure, but I think anyone would be hard pressed to deny the beauty in these songs. Maybe it’s how human the singers come across as in a medium that often raises it’s superstars to godlike status. Perhaps it’s knowing that someone else has gone through the same thing I’m sure everyone reading this has been through. Or maybe it’s just something in their voices that pierces the soul and evokes and empathy and compassion for your fellow man that can be described as nothing else but wonderful.

9. Norah Jones “Don’t Know Why”: This song is on here largely just because it is insanely pretty. Norah’s voice is smooth and soothing and her band plays it cooler than Albany in January.

10. Etta James “At Last”: Just as sorrow and heartbreak can be things of beauty, so can pure, unadulterated and unrepentant joy. In “At Last” James sings of the joy of finally finding someone to love, and it was never said with more passion.

11. Jeff Buckley “Hallelujah”: Originally by Leonard Cohen, this song has been covered dozens of times to varying degrees of success. My favorite has always been the version by Buckley, partially because of the raw purity of his voice, but also because of the little things. In the very beginning of the song Buckley lets out an exasperated sigh which fits amazingly well, because this is a song about weakness, about giving up and it’s a song I can see someone singing exhausted and alone looking for Grace.

12. Ray Charles “You Don’t Know Me”: Admittedly, I’ve been here, and I think a lot of guys have. This is a song about love for a friend who has absolutely no idea how you feel and Charles delivers it with such passion and soul that you know he has been there too. There is something both horrible and wonderful in friendships that blossom into romance. I think part of it is that you already have something in common and an enjoyment of each other, but there is also the danger of it all failing catastrophically and ruining everything, and I think this all adds up in Charles’ heartfelt cries on the song.

13. Paul McCartney “Maybe I’m Amazed”: There is something that is just slick about this song, a casual indifference and ambivalence in the lyrics where I can see it being delivered by someone like Bruce Willis and sounding equal parts romantic and badass, “Maybe I’m amazed by the way you love me all the time.” For some reason it reminds me of the part in As Good As it Gets where Jack Nicholson tells Helen Hunt she makes him want to be a better man.

14. Willie Nelson “You Are Always On My Mind”: There is an episode of Monk where Willie and Adrian sing this song at the grave of Monk’s dead wife, and it brought tears to my eyes, I admit it. Whether Willie is singing here about someone who has passed away or a love gone wrong, I can confidently say I think this is the most beautiful country song ever written.

15. Nizlopi “JCB”: Deviating for a bit from songs about women, this is a song about a very British dyslexic kid and his dad on heavy machinery. Beautiful, no? Sorry, let me explain. The lead singer of Nizlopi was dyslexic in grade school and used to have a hard time adjusting to the work and would get picked on all the time. After school he would go and hang out with his dad who was a construction worker, and he would look forward to it all day because it was a way to get away from how bad his day was. That’s what this song is about, getting away from the horrors of life and spending time with someone you love.

16. Todd Snider “Just Like Old Times”: One thing I love about country and folk songs that most rock songs don’t have, is that they tell a story. This is a story about a pool hustler who runs into an old friend from high school, who is apparently now a prostitute. So they go to a seedy motel and sit around talking and doing cocaine. Not beautiful? Well wait for it… Suddenly there is a knock on the door and it’s a cop. The cop tells the man that his friend is a prostitute and he saw him pick her up. The man tells the cop that they are old friends, and they are just sitting around talking. Then he pulls out his wallet and produces a picture of the girl that he has carried around since high school to prove it. The cop leaves and the girl is incredibly moved that this guy has kept a picture of her for all these years. Tell me that isn’t sweet, I dare you.

17. The Kooks “She Moves in Her Own Way”: Alright, back to the traditional songs about women. I’ve mentioned this song on here before, simply put it’s about the small things that amaze the singer about his girl. Mainly that she comes to his show just to hear about his day. I just think that the small stuff is underrated most of the time, and it’s nice to hear it appreciated in song.

18. Paolo Nutini “Last Request”: This is one of my favorite kinds of songs, because it sounds very sweet and beautiful, but if you really pay attention to the lyrics it’s not as sweet as you think. Simply put, in the song Paolo is basically telling the girl that their relationship isn’t really going anywhere, so let’s have one last fuck. Of course it’s put much more delicately than that, but that’s the essence of it. Still a pretty song though.

19. Sonny Landreth “Louisiana 1927”: This song was originally by Randy Newman, but I chose this version because Landreth’s voice is just so crisp and clean. I had to include this song on the list because it’s about one of my favorite places in the world, Louisiana. It tells the story of a great flood in Louisiana in 1927 and how it seemed like they were just trying to wash the poor Cajun and Creole men of Louisiana away. Not only does it ring especially true today after Hurricane Katrina, but it is also just a moving song about the plight of people who often have it a lot harder than we do.

20. Darrell Scott and Tim O’Brien “House of Gold”: Off of O’Brien and Scott’s excellent album Real Time, “House of Gold” which was originally a Hank Williams song about serving god and giving priority to him above things like riches and a “house of gold.” O’Brien and Scott give it an a cappella treatment and meld their harmonies together beautifully.


Matt

1.The Load Out/Stay - Jackson Browne
This track isn't one that many would describe as beautiful, just a description of the end of a concert. But the writing is superb and the tone is excellent. Browne describes the load out for a show and mixes it perfectly with the classic "Stay" with original vocalist. A gorgeous composition.

2.Sweet Thing - Scott H Biram
A pretty little ditty written by the craziest one man band on earth, this song leaves out the usual death and murder mantra and is a serenade of love. You can sing-along with this track while burying your loved ones now-ex lover and it's still full of saccharine.

3.Beatles - Something
This is a classically beautiful track, with slow guitar lines and soft vocals. Poetic lyrics are a bonus in this Harrison-penned masterpiece.

4.Little Willies - Love Me
Norah Jones sings for the Lil Willies on this Elvis cover, and her gentle voice rolls along this even tempo record. Nice piano lines and a great melody line as well.

5.Ray Charles - You Don’t Know Me
A heart wrenching song from the point of view of a man who has a woman but was never given the chance to love her. You can hear the strain and sadness in the live version of this track particularly well, without the 60's group backing vocals.

6.Temptations (Jamerson Only) - You're My Everything
This version of the song is off the "Standing In The Shadows of Motown" Soundtrack. It's elegance is apparent from the first bass notes. Like the rest of the "beautiful" songs on this list, it's a mix of a great moving instrument part and a beautiful melody line.

7.Willie Nelson (Patsy Cline) - Crazy
Another "classic" track, best known with Patsy Cline on vocals. I chose the version by the original writer to show both how wonderfully simple the track is in it's original form and how much Cline added to the track. One common theme with the beautiful tracks is their ease and simplicity, and this may be the epitome of simple.

8.Dave Matthews Band - Crush
An ode to love and lust, this track starts off strong with some upright bass and a quick sax solo. The groove continues throughout the song, the music rising and falling with Dave's voice. Subtle strings help enhance the song, as do the guitar fills.

9.Colin Hay - Waiting For My Real Life to Begin
This song is a whopper of a heart tugger. Made for all those who feel like they’re spending their days just drifting along and not doing what they’re supposed to in life. This is the ultimate "something good around the corner" track. And it's both energizing because the corner is right ahead of you...or soul-crushing because you're just not there yet.

10.Jamie Cullum - High and Dry
A sweet piano-based ballad, this cover of the hit Radiohead track was also a hit for Cullum. His mischievous attitude is put on hold for this recording, and the sincerity shines through.

11.Wham - Careless Whisper
Classic 80's schlock meets excellent Sax lines. George Michael’s aching vocals compliment the sax explosions perfectly.

12.INXS - Never Tear Us Apart
Another 80's track, but this one is more bombastic in nature. The percussive beats that lead into the vocal cut a nice hook, and like many other great tracks, the sax is a prominent piece.

13.Jason Mraz - You and I Both
A new-ish track from an excellent songwriter. The low verses offset the soaring chorus nicely and it's lyrics are phenomenal. The giddiness of the video is a nice plus.

14.Marshall Tucker Band - Can’t You See A Southern rock classic, and one of the few that features a flute intro. A heartbroken man's lament over what his gal did to him, this track is lyrically close to an old blues track. It just took some country boys to update it with a new sheen of heartache.

15.Al Green - Love and Happiness
One of the smoothest songs in Pop history, Al Green lets the love flow from every note he lays down. This track crackles and pops along with as Green's voice which provides the sweet covering on top.

16.Mofro - A Woman
More Sax, good God I love me some Sax. The lyrics are about dedication to a woman and treating her right, what’s more beautiful than that folks?

17.Elvis Costello - Alison
Costello crafts a beautiful song with more moving guitar lines and aching vocals. Seems the be a theme here? Yeah, because some of the best songs are about loving a woman.

18.Hall & Oates - Sara Smile
Another song dedicated to a gal. With good bass, and "white boy soul" vocals. I'd call this a rut if the songs weren't so well-crafted.

19.John Mayer - Gravity
This is a great modern blues slow burner, so good that Mayer included it on his JM3 album and the 2006 masterpiece "Continuum". Over the years, Mayer has given in to his guitar-master dreams and the world is better for it.

20.Jimi Hendrix - Castles Made of Sand
With guitar lines that's inspired many, including Frusciante from the Red Hot Chili Peppers, Hendrix puts together a very sad and gorgeous story that is wrapped in his masterful guitar work. Where do you think John Mayer got his phrasing from?

Aaron
Here are my top twenty most beautiful songs. I know this sounds like a sappy list to create. But I have to say to all those critics out there,”Who are you fooling?”. Everyone has a song that makes them daydream or brings a astonishing year to their eye. Even the metal heads have their rock ballads. And Just because we are calling this list the Top Ten Beautiful songs list doesn't mean they all have to be Kenny G and Michael Bolton songs. So, without further adieu I bring you my list (free of any songs with the lyrics, “how am I supposed to live without you?”)

1. Billy Joel – The River Of Dreams – I am listing this song at number one partly because it has been drifting through my head all day. I can't listen to this song without pondering my true purpose . Leave it to Billy Joel to make me question my existence. Joel is known for beautiful melodies and creative lyrics, but this song is tops. It is a song about a man trying to find his true purpose and he believes the truth lies in his dreams. Filled with fear and doubt he keeps waiting for that purpose to emerge. If you don't think that is a beautiful subject for a song, just stop reading this list. Because I think I may have blown my load on the first song.

2. Little River Band -Lady – I have always liked the way this song started out, just simple guitar and piano parts with a slow soft intro from the lead singer. I imagine that this song is playing in the head of a lonesome man in a large gathering of people. As he is remembering lost loves and feeling sorry for himself, wondering if he will ever love again, he spots a woman from across the room and all hope is returned.

3. Paul Simon – Something So Right – What's great about this song is that Simon says what we wish we could all say to our lovers but aren't clever enough. You can feel his emotion for this woman in his voice. Discarding all his pride he explains his insecurities and how his love protects him from them. Essentially, love conquers all, in wonderful Paul Simon poetry.

4. The Beatles – Let It Be – I believe that most of us are familiar with the theme of this song, ( que sera sera, for example.) This song is about leaving your problems behind and getting on with your life. With all the wisdom of Paul's mother how could you go wrong? The song is an inspiring ballad that always makes me ponder on the faults of my past, forget them and move on.

5. Sam Cooke – I'll Come Running Back to You – No list about beautiful songs would be complete without Sam Cooke. If I leave out the fact that Sam Cooke's voice is amazing and all of his songs pull at our heart strings, we are left with a song about redemption. And I think all men can relate to that feeling that we fucked up and all we can do is grovel on our knees and hope women forgive us. Ahh love, what a filthy bitch you are.

6. The Beach Boys – God Only Knows – Even though it is a Beach Boy’s song that doesn't involve beaches, cars or “being true to your school”, I think we all know this song. I think it has been in ever major chick flick that has ever existed, yet with good cause. The beginning of the song sounds like a damn wedding reception for God's sake. But it is still a charming song that will forever plague the silver screen.

7. Ben Folds Five – Brick – I'm simply going on the song's piano melody on this one. What a beautiful song this would be if it wasn't for the whole abortion thing. I'm sorry, I have a give Folds some props for making such a controversial and heart breaking experience into what seems like such a wonderful song.

8. Buddy Holly – True Loves Ways – The original slow dance song. I can’t think of a better song that I would rather slow dance to. This song will melt any partner in your arms. If you want that first kiss get her to dance with you during this song. Just look her in the eyes and sing her a few lyrics. Especially when Holly says, “just you and I...” It works every time. Try it after bringing a date home with you. If it fails, direct all your hate mail to Chuck, he handles all my death threats.

9. Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons – Can't Take My Eyes Off You – A real tear jerker for those of the female persuasion. Don't you wish you could hook up with Frankie and have him serenade you with this delightful number? Well he doesn't love you so cut it out. You’re stuck with pigs like the rest of us normal men. I do enjoy how proud Valli sounds about the feeling he has for this woman. It's moving in a very unrealistic way.

10. Tom Waits – San Diego Serenade - Waits has the great ability to make a raspy voice sound romantic. This slow mellow love song portrays a man realizing that he had done too little to late and taken love for granted. I really enjoy Waits sentimental lyrics on his first couple albums. Then he went insane and locked himself in a mental institution and was forced to write songs with subliminal messages in them for the planet Argon. Tom Waits secretly hates redheads.

11. Queen – Somebody to Love – Queen's harmonies make it so that I could probably fill this list with nothing but Queen songs. But what would be the fun in that? Nah fuck it. The rest of the songs are going to be Queen songs. Freddie Mercury and Queen should go and travel from church to church and put all the choirs to shame. I think I'm going to get a huge boom box and travel to a random church and when the choir gets up to do their holy thing I will abruptly shout out with a blasphemous bellow, “hang on ladies, Freddie challenges you to a duel of biblical proportions!” I'm not sure where I was going with that.

12. George Harrison – My Sweet Lord – Beauty comes in many forms. And Harrison 's passion for his maker is definitely one of those forms. This song encroaches on being a veggie tales lullaby, but since its George Harrison, we can forgive that. And who better to forgive him but his sweet Lord.

13. Ray Charles – You Don't Know Me - I don't think anyone can sing a song as sad as Ray Charles can. But there is a light of hope in his voice no matter how sad he may seem. And that is why this song is on my list. Probably one of the most interesting, troubled and heart broken artist of all time, Ray Charles knows how to make a song as beautiful as it is heavyhearted.

14. Regina Spektor - Fidelity – One of my favorite songs from this awesome Russian songbird, Fidelity is beautifully chirped with a woeful inflection. Jaded and taken aback from love’s bitter grip, she looks on from a distance and lets music take her away from it. I can understand that frame of mind.

15. Red Hot Chili Peppers – Death of a Martian – Tragedy can produce beauty. This song was written about Flea's dog that had died during the recording of Stadium Arcadium. So you know that the lyrics are honest and heart felt. And like most of the Pepper's songs, it is based on real life tragedies.

16. Israel Kamakawiwo'ole – Over the Rainbow – There are two things I would like to add before I go any further into this paragraph. One, this really should be further up on this list, but I just now thought of it, so forgive me. Two, I realize that he didn't write this song nor was he the first or the last to cover it. But if I had to pick the singer who brought the true meaning and essence of this song to life, it would have to be Israel .

17. Amos Lee – Sweet Pea – Some of the most beautiful songs are the most simple. There is not much to say about this song. It's not complex or deep. It's just a nice and bright pop song. And that is where the beauty lies, in its simplicity.

18. Stevie Wonder – For Once in My Life – I like this song because there is so much sincerity in Stevie's voice. It really sounds like he went to the top of the highest mountain and just shouted this song at the top of his lungs.

19. Dave Matthews Band – Crash into Me – This song is another great example of a song that sounds so wonderful at first and turns out to be not what you expected. How can a song about a peeping tom be so poetic?

20. Bill Withers – Lean on Me & Just The Two of Us – It was just too hard to pick the better of the two, so, I am listing both. Lean on Me is just a terrific uplifting song about the true meaning of friendship. And how could I leave out the classic “Just the Two of Us”? This song is probably one of the smoothest songs that have ever been written. I can't even begin to think of all the babies that were conceived during the ambiance of this song.

Black Power Songs

Recently, as I hope everyone reading this realizes, the 44th president of the United States of America was inaugurated into office. He is also (again, hopefully really fucking obviously, I’m not trying to be super insightful here) the first black man to ever hold the title. Watching the ceremony I was near moved to tears on several occasions. Watching his sincerity, and beautiful inauguration ceremony that featured many amazing characters from Stevie Wonder, to Etta James, MLK’s son and the first openly (openly being the key word here,) gay cardinal of the catholic church. With this, I thought, for such a beautiful ceremony and moment of history amongst the quagmire of horse shit we currently face, I should do a playlist of the 20 most beautiful songs I have ever heard… then I changed the channel. News coverage on all of the major networks was the same. Fox interviewed any black man they could get their hands on, and asked them if they ever thought they’d see this day. People questioned the remaining validity of racism in a climate where I know of numerous people who didn’t support Obama merely because his middle name was Hussein. So, it is in that spirit (and really also because I just needed a good excuse,) that I make this week’s playlist the twenty best black power / civil rights anthems of all times. I will do this from two perspectives, one as how these songs are relative to our new commander in chief, but I will also let out my inner honkey hating black panther on some of these tracks. Enjoy, you cracker sons of bitches.

Chuck

1. Sam Cooke “A Change is Gonna Come”: When Sam Cooke originally wrote this song and played it for a friend of his, the friend told him it was an amazing song but not to release it because he felt the song carried an impending sense of doom with it. Cooke died shortly after the song was released. Since then, the song has went on to become a classic song of the civil rights movement and a song that signifies hope and change, things that I hope our new president can provide.

2. Public Enemy “Fight the Power”: This is the song that originally made me fall in love with Public Enemy. I heard this song and immediately thought, “Man that guy hates whitey, he doesn’t even like Elvis. I must hear more.” This song is just plain and straightforwardly about fighting the institution of the white man that holds you down, I can dig.

3. Rage Against the Machine “http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s5_GRR5Ua0k”: No, this song isn’t about some sort of rodeo featuring people with down syndrome, though I am extremely tempted to go write said song immediately. This song is about Los Angeles’ famous Rodeo drive with it’s privileged, and spoiled celebutants and it’s stark contrast to the numerous ghettos that surround it.

4. Curtis Mayfield “Mighty, Mighty Spade & Whitey”: Curtis is basically just saying here if you’re black or you’re white “there really ain’t no difference” we just need to change the country and bring up some new leaders. Again, wholly appropriate.

5. The Red Hot Chili Peppers “The Power of Equality”: With an amount of angry vitriol that could rival that of Chuck D, Kiedis and crew lay the smack down to racists and skin heads with a fierceness. In regards to the new president, and to quote Mr. Kiedis, I hope Barack is “not another mother fucking politician doing nothing but selling for his own ambition.”

6. Schooly D “Am I Black Enough For You?”: Taking samples from the original Billy Paul song of the same name it samples, Schooly D answers the question that millions of black men and women have had to answer who didn’t meet the stereotypes that were expected of them by honkies who accused them of being uncle Tom’s. One of the things that impressed me about Obama is that he had to undergo both accusations that he was both not black enough and too black, which is probably why he mentioned several times how much he likes Ludicrous, but also famously and comically tried going bowling.

7. Stevie Wonder “Living for the City”: I’m talking about the rarely heard long version of the song here too, the one with the “get on the bus nigger” interlude in the middle of it. Anyways, this is a song about how hard it is to get accustomed to the big city when you are a low income black family, a theme that was apparently quite popular in the seventies.

8. Ray Charles “Look What They’ve Done to My Song, Ma”: I knew Matt would put “Lift Every Voice and Sing” on his list, so I went with this one. Both are amazing and beautiful songs off of Ray’s little known civil rights album, Message to the People. It’s basically about the man messing with your shit.

9. James Brown “Say It Loud (I’m Black and I’m Proud)”: I used to have the really bad habit of walking around and singing this at the top of my lungs. Anyways, it’s just a nice simple mantra, even if you aren’t black. It’s a mantra I think I’ve inadvertently adopted for myself over the years, which is basically just “own up to what you are.” If you’re black, be black and proud. If you’re a bastard, or if you like really flamboyant music like Mika, own up and be proud of it. And yes, I did just compare the struggles of the African American population to liking overly poppy and flamboyant music.

10. The Isley Brothers “Fight the Power, Pt. 1”: I’m honestly not sure if this is a song about fighting the white man who keeps you held back or about sticking it to people who tell you to turn your music down. Either way, I hate both equally. Also, this song one of the funkiest songs in history and was clearly an early influence of Prince, just so you know.

11. Sly and the Family Stone “Don’t Call Me Nigger, Whitey”: Sly’s lesser known, but still great proclamation against using derogatory terms against people of any color. For those unfamiliar with the song the rest of the chorus is, “Don’t call me whitey nigger.” Simple, but direct.

12. Grady Tate “Be Black”: This song basically just says, fuck it man be black. Thank you Grady Tate, I think I will.

13. The Roots “The Next Movement”: While not strictly a black power or civil rights song, this track illustrates what I hope the new administration can become. No, this will not be the end of racism, but hopefully it can be a new movement towards equality and the next step towards the mountain top, set it in motion.

14. Darongo “Let My People Go”: This is just another great mid-seventies funk civil rights jam. Lesser known than most of these songs, but it has a sick bass line and murky groove.

15. Aretha Franklin “Young, Gifted and Black”: Mr. President, the floor is yours.

16. Melvin Van Peebles “Won’t Bleed Me”: This song starts out with someone screaming “Believe motherfucker!” This song is from Sweet Sweetback’s Badass Song, one of the greatest blacksploitation movies of all time, so of course this song has to be included. Not to mention the song if rife with great lyrics, such as “you don’t smile right, you be dead!”

17. Donnie “Our New National Anthem”: Donnie isn’t very well known, but he is sure as hell talented. He is a modern artist, but he does classic old school R&B in the style of Marvin and Stevie. Someone told me once he was the cousin or nephew of Marvin Gaye, I don’t know if that’s true, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it were.

18. Public Enemy “By the Time I Get to Arizona”: This is a song all about going to Arizona to kick some ass because for awhile the state refused to recognize Martin Luther King day. This song also prominently features Sista Soulja who infamously said “If Black people kill Black people every day, why not have a week and kill white people?”

19. Billie Holiday “Strange Fruit”: You hear of a lot about books that were so inflammatory and ground breaking that they were banned for years on end, this song is in the same category. On first listen, you think the song is just some innocuous song about the south, then you realize it is about the brutal hangings of colored people that went on for so many years. I am completely unable to listen to this song without getting a cold chill down my spine, and not just a short cold chill, as I listen to the song and type, it has been playing for a minute and a half and it just keeps getting worse by the second. The tone of the song is almost a dirge and the lyrics manage to describe a scene more graphic and horrid than most things you would see in the latest sequel to Saw.

20. Marvin Gaye “Inner City Blues (Make Me Wanna Holler)”: Another song about the struggles of lower class blacks in the city, but for awhile there in the seventies it was really quite the neck in neck contest of who could do it better, Marvin or Stevie. For what it’s worth, this is probably my favorite of the two (don’t ask why I put the other one first, I don’t know,) Marvin’s phrasing and the feeling of subdued rage and urge to scream in the song just hit’s a little closer to home for me, because in all honesty, who hasn’t been there?

Matt

1. Say it Loud (I'm Black and I'm Proud)- James Brown
The DEFINITIVE recording of a Black Power Anthem, there's nothing I can add to the heaps of praise laid at the feet of this track since it's inception. This song doesn't ask for respect, it demands it.

2. We Shall Overcome - traditional
This hymn was adopted by many in the Civil rights movement and has a resurgence of late with election of Barack Obama in 2008.A powerful song intended for group choruses, this song has many uses, but one meaning is that together, we can do what we need to overcome the obstacles.

3. Lift Every Voice and Sing - Ray Charles
This song was adopted by many for an anthem in the Civil Rights movement of the 1960's, mostly recognized with a slower, more dirge-worthy arrangement. Charles takes a slow track and livens it up the way only he can. Starting off with a slow burn and by the end of the track Charles and his backup singers are burning the house down.

4. Soul Man - Sam and Dave
One of Stax record's biggest hits, this song was composed quickly and widely adapted in the late 60's. Especially around Tennessee where Stax was based, this song was cited by many as something to live up to, to be known as a "Soul Man".

5. Don’t Call Me Nigger, Whitey - Sly and The Family Stone
A very overt statement, this song is unique not only because of it's title (which is repeated in the chorus) but also because it's not one-sided. The chorus starts off with the title, but follows it quickly with "Don’t call me Whitey, Nigger" The track talks about the fighting between the races, and doesn't say that one side is better than the other.

6. Mississippi Goddamn - Nina Simone
A "song for a musical that hasn't been written yet", this track is Simone's visceral reaction to the murder of Emmett Till. This roaring number details the exploits of bigotry all over the South, pulling no punches. It's experienced a sad renaissance with the Jena 6 trial as of late.

7. Respect Yourself - Staple Singers
This track is an excellent example of the Staple Singers' mix of Gospel and R&B. Used in both the Obama and Sharpton election campaigns, and certainly many local ones as well, this track still resonates. As long as the listener can focus on the original and not the Bruce Willis cover from the 80's, everything should be just fine.

8. Chocolate City - Parliament Funkadelic
A mostly spoken word story of the social status of black living in the 70's, this track combines sparse funk with social consciousness. Not the easiest to sing along to, but a very straight-forward and slightly sarcastic look at race relations of the time. Combining the background vocal with "Gaining on Me" while listing Chocolate Cities around the Country. True statements abound, especially the concept of Chocolate Cities and their Vanilla Suburbs.

9. Change is Gonna Come - Sam Cooke
A call to arms for many people, and a dream actualized by the most recent Presidential election. This song is classic and is a reminder of a not too distant history and gives hope for the future.

10. One Nation Under a Groove - Parliament Funkadelic
With the call of "One Nation Under a Groove" and "No One can Stop us Now", this ode to Funk in all it's glory is instantly danceable and insanely complex. it's also a great tune and has been played at more than one rally for successful black politicians. Not every important song has to be overly dramatic, and this one proves it by being downright silly while still grooving like a mother. As Mr. Clinton says "Here's My Chance to Dance My Way out of Constriction"



Top 5 Greatest Soul Artists of All Time
Chuck
1. Otis Redding
2. Ray Charles
3. Aretha Franklin
4. Sam Cooke
5. James Brown

Matt
1.Otis Redding
His voice is full of happiness and pain, and because of a pretty meteoric rise at a young age, there’s a little bit of fear too. But Got-Damn Otis is the SPIRIT of Soul. The smoothness of Sam Cooke and the wildness of Wilson Pickett wrapped into one. Otis died too young, but what he did in that window changed one record company (Stax) and the sound of the 60's by himself
2.Ray Charles
Ray may have the greatest voice of any singer that I've heard and can make any song or genre of music soulful. "Modern Sounds in Country and Western Music" proved that, as have many covers of other genres (Not Easy Being Green from Kermit the Frog comes to mind).His funk stage in the 1970's is seriously underrated as well. Ray is a little bit of jazz, a dash of country, a dose of pop, but all soul.
3.Stevie Wonder
Like his Idol Ray Charles, he put out his Tribute to Uncle Ray album as Little Stevie Wonder. Wonder dabbles in many different styles and succeeds in most. Though I have serious problems with 90% of his output in the 1980's (Still had a great voice, horrible music though), Stevie has an amazing voice and embodies R&B and funk.
4.Al Green
Green may have the smoothest voice in all of R&B. In the Hi Record Studio, Green could do no wrong, even when the lyrics bordered on the schmaltzy. There's no doubt the Good Reverend means every word he sings. And unlike many of his contemporaries, his records are still Superb. His most recent record Lay it Down, released in 2008 and produced by Roots Drummer ?uestlove, ranks as high as his classic albums from the 70's.
5.Sly and the Family Stone
The first successful multi-racial group, Sly Stone and his group combined the optimism of the 60's with the drug haze of the 70's.The compositions were both simple in message and complex in creation. The utter happiness that shined through their first few releases is balanced perfectly by the drug and paranoia filled haze of their 70's work. The group even helped invent a style of dirty funk with classics like "If You Want Me to Stay" and "Family Affair". They were utterly prolific in their output.

Ridiculist: Silliest Songs

Last weekend, Aaron, Brittny and myself embarked on an epic journey down into New York City to see renowned A Cappella band the Blanks. It was a trip filled to the brim with adventure, terror, near death experiences and the complete emotional breakdown of one of our heroes. When I tell people this, their first question is usually, more often than not, “who the hell are the Blanks?” The Blanks, perhaps more well known as the Worthless Peons are “Ted’s” a.k.a. Sam Lloyd’s band that often appears on the popular television show Scrubs.
The trip started nice enough. We decided to drive into Jersey as we often do, and then take a PATH train into the city. About half-way there it started to snow. Right around the time we got off the interstate and started to drive through Jersey it turned into a blizzard, and then we all remembered that Aaron has absolutely zero tread and therefore zero traction on his tires. Slipping and sliding all over the already complicated and confusing roads of New Jersey Aaron starts to go into total freak out mode and scream at everyone and everything (from Brittny and myself, to other drives, and every single inhabitant of New Jersey) in the squeaky high voice of a prepubescent McDonalds employee.
Finally we make it into the city, meet up with our friend Aaron 2 and make our way to the fabulous Hilton Times Square where the concert is to be held. Unfortunately, it turns out New York City actually has several Hiltons (who would have thought?) and we had to race across town in order to make the show in time.
So was the show worth all of the fear, all of the near heart attack inducing moments, all of the hearing loss caused by Aaron's high pitched screaming? Absolutely! IT was also probably the silliest show I have ever seen. It started out with the Blanks performing a medley of the four greatest songs of all time, (Charles in Charge, Speedracer, Flipper, and the Facts of Life.) From there they went on to perform a song where the chorus was sung by a talking Chip Hazzard (the army guy from Small Soldiers), a song where Sam Lloyd put on a fake mustache and pretended to be a ice cream vendor, and ended by covering “She’s a Maniac” and pouring water on a dancing Mrs. Claus holiday decoration. Then we all left the show and went and threw snowballs at Atlas’ ass outside of Rockefeller Center. So it is out of that lost weekend of treachery and silliness that this week’s playlist is born, the twenty absolutely silliest, non-novelty songs ever written. Enjoy.

1. Otis Redding “Announcement”: This song is a public service announcement in, well, song form. It’s particularly silly because, as far as I can tell, it has no affiliation with any sort of organization or civic group. Otis apparently just felt he needed to write a song about the virtues of staying in school that was so incredibly ham fisted it actually kind of makes me want to go back to school and drop out just from spite.
Sample Silly Line: “Hi! This is the big O, Otis Redding. I was just standing here thinking about you, thought I’d write a song about you, and dedicate it to you. Take a listen. If you didn’t go back to school this year you’re really not groovy.”

2. Primus “Wynona’s Big Brown Beaver”: Aside from just being totally ridiculous, this song may also take the prize for the least well disguised sexual metaphor in music history. However, it is Primus, so it may really just be about an actual beaver.
Sample Silly Line: “The beaver once slept for seven days and it gave us all an awful fright. So I tickled his chin and gave him a pinch and the bastard tried to bite.”

3. Green Jelly “House Me Teenage Rave”: I have heard this song hundreds of times and it still makes me laugh every time I hear it. It’s hardly even a real song, it’s more just five minutes of strangeness and horrible sexual innuendos combined with a chorus that doesn’t seem to make any sense.
Sample Silly Line: “I wanna see snakey. I wanna see snakey! Where’s snakey? Snakey? You sure you want snakey?”

4. The Beatles “All Together Now”: This song is another lesser known Beatles track, off of the soundtrack for Yellow Submarine. Sure this song happens to be catchy as hell, but it is also one of the Beatles' less sensical songs (and I should mention that this was one playlist where it was not at all difficult to find a Beatles song to add.) . Of songs that seemingly make zero sense are prone to happen on movie soundtracks, all you need to do is watch the film and presto, you know what’s going on. Of course when the movie is one long British cartoon acid trip… I guess I should just be thankful that they don’t make up any words this time(Coo Coo Cachoo.)
Sample Silly Line: “Black, white, green, red. Can I take my friend to bed?”

5. Electric Six “Chocolate Pope”: You know what? I'm not even going to try to explain it. I’m just going to write down all of the lyrics for this song, then you will see what I mean.
Sample Silly Line: “I bought my girlfriend a chocolate pope. Cause she seems to be at the end of her rope. Italian candy, with Swiss chocolate’ flavor, what a de-licious, de-licious way… to save her."

6. Ween “My Own Bare Hands”: A song all about the amazing things the lead singer of Ween is able to do with his two bare hands, until he gets sidetracked after a verse of the song and then steadily goes from rambling to just shouting incoherently. Kids, stay away from Ween, they scare me and I‘m pretty sure they‘re really, really drunk..
Sample Silly Line: “She’s gonna be my cock professor, studying my dick. She’s gonna get a master’s degree in fucking me.”

7. Foo Fighters “For All the Cows”: For the Foo Fighters' debut Dave Grohl thought it would be a good idea to write a song about cows. What’s so weird about that? Nothing at all, but cows are always hilarious!
Sample Silly Line: “I’m called a cow. I’m not about to blow it now for all the cows.”

8. Gogol Bordello “Dogs Were Barking”: I love good old Gogol. Who else could make Bulgarian gypsy punk and actually become somewhat popular in a market that hates anything that sound different. This song is about getting married or something.
Sample Silly Line: “Dogs were barking, monkeys clapping, bears were dancing and girls were getting loose!”

9. Bob Dylan “Subterranean Homesick Blues”: Just because a song is classic, doesn’t mean that it isn’t totally absurd. Bob Dylan was a great artist, and he wrote some truly amazing songs with some of the most insightful lyrics ever written. Still, this song is just him rambling and rhyming, more times than not.
Sample Silly Line: “Don’t want to be a bum, you better chew gum.”

10. Incubus “You Will Be a Hot Dancer”: This is the second week in a row I have used this song. In my post last week I mentioned how this song always makes me want to strip. I believe that is reason enough for me to include it on this list.
Sample Silly Line: “In other words, grab the next motherfucking marmaduke who refuses to subdue to these pelvic ostentations.”

11. Frank Zappa “Muffin Man”: Zappa, Frank motherfucking Zappa can’t even get past how silly this song is. On the live version of "Muffin Man", he can’t even make it through the first minute of the song without laughing.
Sample Silly Line: “Some people like cupcakes exclusively, while myself, I say there is not nor ought there be nothing so exalted on the face of god’s great earth as the prince of foods… the muffin!”

12. System of a Down “Sugar”: This song starts out as an ear splitting heavy metal head banger before transforming into a cartoonish romp of a verse. Maybe this song isn’t actually as silly as I think, but every time I hear the verse I uncontrollably picture a cartoon rabbit engaging in various shenanigans. I really need counseling, sigh. (Side note, I wrote the first part and then went and looked up the lyrics of the song. I never understood quite what Serj was saying in the chorus, but he is talking about Kombucha mushroom people. I take back what I said about this song not being as silly as I thought.)
Sample Silly Line: I got a gun the other day from Sako. It’s cute, small, fits right in my pocket.)

13. Gwar “Fishfuck”: The is merely a song about sodomizing someone with a fish. Why did I put this on here again?
Sample Silly Line: “Fishfuck baby, I’m gonna fuck you with a fish!”

14. Puscifer “Country Boner”: There is a very fine line between extremely vulgar or sexual songs and extremely silly songs. And while I feel some of these songs tow the line, most of them are so ridiculous that I think they belong in the latter category. If you want an honest to god vulgar and disgusting song, I believe country music’s David Allan Coe has quite a few for you. But alas, that is a playlist for another day. This song is about all of the country music musicians Puscifer has slept with, oddly enough David Allan Coe is not included.
Sample Silly Line: “I fucked Glen Campbell, fucked him on a see-saw.”

15. They Might Be Giants “Whistling in the Dark”: I don’t even know where to begin or how to try to describe this song. It makes no sense and is very silly.
Sample Silly Line: “A man came up to me and said I’d like to change your mind by hitting it with a rock though I am not unkind.”

16. Green Day “King for a Day”: I really should do a cross-dressing or ambiguous gender playlist, I know far too many songs on the subject. This is one of my favorites because it combines the fun of cross-dressing with sweet memories of childhood. Ah, I miss those wasted mornings in sunday school.
Sample Silly Line: “Who put the drag in the drag queen, don’t knock it till you’ve tried it.”

17. The Real Tuesday Weld “Bathtime in Clerkenwell”: This was also on last week’s playlist, but was just to absurd and weird for me not to include again this week. Just watch the video.
Sample Silly Line: “If only it were so simple… (random jabbering)”

18. Warren Zevon “My Shit’s Fucked Up”: I actually made this playlist a couple of months ago before I started working at the hospital. I thought the dialogue between the doctor and the patient was quite ridiculous when I made it, now I know this is how things actually work in the medical field more times than not.
Sample Silly Line: “My shit’s fucked up? Well I don’t see how. He said the shit that used to work, won’t work now.”

19. Adam Green “Choke on a Cock”: Adam Green is one strange guy. Again, I have no clue what this song is about, something to do with George Bush and Johnny Depp that’s for sure.
Sample Silly Line: “I would dance on NBC and say George Bush shook hands with me, then I’d go and choke on a cock.”

20. Pink Floyd “Bike”: I saved the best for last. This is the most incomprehensible, unable to understand, unrhyming song ever written. This was off of Floyd’s first album which still had Syd Barrett as the lead singer, you know, the guy who did too many drugs for PINK FLOYD!
Sample Silly Line: “I know a mouse, and he hasn’t got a house, I don’t know why I call him Gerald.”

Top 5 Worst Band Names of All Time
1. Dogs Die in Hot Cars
2. Death Cab for Cutie
3. ...And You Will Know Us By the Trail of the Dead
4. !!!
5. Engelbert Humperdinck

Great Songs To Dance To

Every year Aaron and I celebrate Festivus. For those of you unfamiliar, it is a made up holiday that became popular when it was the central plot of an episode of Seinfeld. Festivus is a holiday that shuns typical notions of the holiday season like love and compassion, and instead replaces them with the opportunity to tell everyone involved how they have disappointed you over the last year, along with feats of strength where people try to best the head of the household at some task. And it is out of this year’s feats of strength that this week’s playlist is born. The feats of strength we decided to engage in this year was in the form of a dance off. Perhaps I had been listening to “Brainwashed” by Ben Folds too much and his suggestions of dance off quarrels actually sounded like a good idea to my poor addled brain, or maybe my b-boy nature just overtook me and I felt the need to “serve” everyone and anyone who got in my way. Regardless, we danced, we conquered, and there were more “servings” than in a giant economy sized bag of potato chips purchased from Sam’s Club.
As I said in my introduction songs about myself, I love to dance. There’s just something freeing to it. Yet I feel that in most places where dancing is socially acceptable there is never proper music to dance to. Clubs mainly play horrible techno or the most idiotic, mind numbing rap imaginable (Some examples, “Chicken Noodle Soup,” “Walk it Off,” or anything by Soulja Boy or 50 Cent.). So I find myself being the lone social outcast who dances in the grocery store whenever Men Without Hats comes through the overhead radio. So here are a list of songs that always make us want to dance. Also, I have tried to include video links to most of these songs, so that you can get some idea why they make us want to dance. These videos are also great to make you feel better if you are having a shit day, you’re welcome.

1. The Darkness “Girlfriend”: This was the song I chose to dance to for the Festivus dance off, and it was spectacular. The words breath taking were thrown around, and the crowd screamed like I was the Beatles playing Ed Sullivan. Clad in all black, purple princess arm warmers and headband, and a multicolored fanny pack and leg warmers I dazzled the crowd with my stunning moves. This is definitely the sexiest and best song anyone could ever dance to. If you want to see what my dance was, almost verbatim, you can check out the video link, (which is also one-hundred percent guaranteed to make you smile.)

2. Stabbing Westward “Violent Mood Swings (Thread Mix)”: I have loved this song since I first heard it in the mid nineties. This song always makes me want to grow a beard, wear a baseball cap backward, put on a trench coat and dance outside of a convenience store in New Jersey. Yes, this is the infamous song that Silent Bob dances to in Clerks. So light up a cigarette from your fresh pack of Nails and break it down. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r6NQoRzXKUs

3. Fatboy Slim “Weapon of Choice”: I have seen this video so many times, and I never get sick of it. Not only that, but it still makes me (actually, I’m not just saying this,) laugh out loud. Who knew Christopher Walken was such a good dancer? Apparently Spike Jonze, who directed the video. It is one of my great goals in life to go to the hotel where this was filmed, (the Marriott is Los Angles) and reenact the entire dance, or at least the escalator part.

4. The Wombats “Let’s Dance to Joy Division”: The main point of this song says better than I ever could why I love to dance. This song is all about things going to hell, feeling depressed and then just saying fuck it, getting on top of a table and dancing like a fucking idiot to completely inappropriate music. What could be any better?

5. Bell Biv Devoe “Poison”: Ah, new jack swing. This song is great to dance to, and instead of telling you why, I will share an amusing story that has little to do with anything. A few days ago Aaron, Brittny and I were walking around and I was singing this at the top of my lungs. They were tolerating my tom-foolery as much as they could until I decided to sing the line “never trust a big butt and a smile,” right as we walked past a humongous black guy and his girlfriend. He gave me a weird look, and instead of just smiling meekly and walking away I proclaimed, “He knows what I’m talking about!” for reasons unbeknownst even to myself. “What?” he asked. “You know, never trust a big butt and a smile. Haven’t you ever heard ‘Poison’ by BBD?” Again, probably not the best time for a musical debate. “Yeah, I have,” said the man, “and I certainly like big butts, but I don’t know about all that.” And with that assertion I turned to Aaron and Brittny and said, “he knows… he knows,” and walked away confident that he did indeed know.

6. Incubus “You Will Be a Hot Dancer”: I have always wanted to strip to this song. I don’t have any idea why, but I always have. I think it might be because this song is extremely sexy in an absurd kind of way, much like a strip show as performed by me would be.

7. Anthrax and Public Enemy “Bring Tha Noise”: The first amalgamation of hip-hop and metal. This song is responsible for Limp Bizkit, for Korn and for Linkin Park. I should hate and despise this song with an unending passion that consumes every fiber of my being. I should spend my every waking hour writing hate mail to Scott Ian, Chuck D and Flava Flav (okay I already do that one). Yet I do not. Instead I am just angry with all of those other horrible bands that this song spawned for fucking up the formula so horribly. Few songs are heavier, rarely has Chuck D been so angry, and yet this song just makes me want to kick, and jump and thrash around in the most spastic dance every conceived.

8. Flogging Molly “Swagger”: I am so very white. Aside from a miniscule amount of Native American ancestry, my blood is as European as the metric system. With that I have to include at least one great song that just makes me want to put on a plaid skirt and do a jig (to my dismay.)

9. Prince “Trust”: They say you are either an Elvis or a Beatles guy. I like to think that some people are either a Prince or Michael Jackson people. I am a Prince person, and Aaron is more of a MJ fan. Nothing wrong with, I just think that Prince is funkier, and considerably more purple. This is one of my all time favorite Prince songs, and it comes from the Batman soundtrack of all things. This was the song that played when the Joker rides through Gotham on a giant float throwing money at people just before gasing them. Incidentally, people often say that my dancing reminds them of the devil in the pale moon light, it still doesn’t make any sense however.

10. James Brown “I Got You (I Feel Good)”: I had the great honor of seeing James Brown in concert a couple of years before he passed away on his 70th birthday. He played for a mere hour, but it was like watching one of those crazy Chinese fireworks that may on last for a short time, but moves like a whirlwind while it is going. He still moved and danced like the younger man who played at the Apollo or who quelled Memphis after MLK’s assassination. Brown’s music is made to dance and move to, so of course I had to include one of his tracks. And sure, “I Got You” is a little cliché, and I was extremely tempted to include “Sex Machine” or “The Payback,” but ultimately feeling good is what dancing is all about. So grab your brand new bag and get on up.

11. Young MC “Bust a Move”: This is the definition of an old school jam. I hear this and I immediately want to go to a skating rink and try to break dance. I usually do to, but I don’t know of any skating rinks in Albany. There was an episode of Scrubs not long ago that had a character called Old MC who was a Young MC impersonator who kept telling the characters to “Bust a Move” anytime they asked any kind of question. In retrospect, not bad advice. Should I go talk to that cute girl at the bar? Just bust a move. Should I go for that promotion? Just bust a move. Should I pull over for that police officer? Just bust a… alright, maybe not always great advice, but in most cases.

12. Harry Belafonte “Shake, Shake Senora (Jump in the Line)”: I have been in love with this song since the first time I saw Winona shake it in Beetlejuice back in the eighties. Since then I have always tried to get women I have gone out with to dance to this song in the hopes that they would start floating around the room. It rarely works, much to my chagrin. Not much more than that for this one, “hoist those skirts a little higher!”

13. Jackson 5 “ABC”: I always loved this song. It’s bright, cheery and just makes me smile. Then I saw Clerks 2 and fell for it even harder. There is nothing like suddenly bursting into a super happy dance number in the middle of a film lanced with enough profanity to make Lenny Bruce blush which also includes a donkey show. And yet Smith still captured the spirit of the song perfectly. Have I really included two songs from Clerks? Damn, I am too gay for Kevin Smith. Call me… please?

14. The Real Tuesday Weld “Bathtime in Clerkenwell (The Clerkenwell Kid)”: If you want to understand this song, watch the video. You will still probably not understand the song anymore than you did, but you will be thoroughly amused and probably just come to accept the fact that this song is very silly. This song comes from an album that was the soundtrack to a book. The scene that this song was supposed to go with comes when the main character of the book tries to commit suicide in a bathtub and then Satan takes over his body and is amazed by how vibrant everything is. Make any more sense yet? Oh well, it makes me want to dance.

15. The Scissor Sisters “I Don't Feel Like Dancing”: I love this song because lyrically it describes not wanting to dance and hating to dance, but listen to it without shaking your ass... I dare you. Incidentally this is what Aaron danced to at Festivus.

16. Squirrel Nut Zippers “Dancing On the Moon”: This song makes me want to put on a top hat and coat tails, grow a handlebar mustache and dance around in an old timey fashion. And yes, I have actually done that before, but who amongst us hasn’t?

17. Run D.M.C. “It’s Tricky”: For Festivus I knew the dance off had to go out on a strong note, so we ended it with this, my favorite Run D.M.C. song of all time. This song is infinitely classic and true. It can be tricky to rock a rhyme that’s right on time. Try it some time.

18. The Red Hot Chili Peppers “The Greeting Song”: Man I would have loved to have seen the Chili Peppers in their heyday. Socks placed firmly on their genitals, jumping around the stage like a bunch of maniacs. This is probably the type of dancing that is most frowned upon in the grocery store, just so everyone knows.

19. Martin Sexton “Diner”: I had never heard of Martin Sexton before Scrubs. That’s right, much like the rest of this list, everything I know and have learned comes directly from TV or the movies. This was the song that they used for the dance montage in the clip show. And as much as I tend to hate clip shows, at least I got some good music out of it.

20. Katie Perry “I Kissed a Girl”: Okay, this song you are probably more likely to hear in a club than any of these other songs. I have tried to dislike this song. It’s such a blatant marketing scheme, who doesn’t love a little lesbian action. And to top it off, I believe starting out as a Christian singer (that’s right, Katie Perry was a Christian singer before this,) and then releasing an album full of blatant debauchery in an effort to create controversy when your first career and “love of god” didn’t pay off, is the definition of a sell out. Yet every time I hear the chorus to this song drop I can’t help but shake my hips just a little bit before I start uncontrollably grinding on the nearest person (Aaron, again, sorry about all that.) It’s not what I’m used to. It caught my attention. Ugh, I heard this song… and I liked it. I really hope my roommates don’t mind it (for they are the ones who must suffer me listening to this song on constant repeat and dancing all over the house.)

Top 5 Hip-Hop Artists of All Time

1. Public Enemy: Public Enemy is by far, my all time favorite hip-hop group. Sure I hate Flava Flav and everything he has ever done outside of Public Enemy, but as a whole cohesive unit they can’t be toped. In my eyes Public Enemy symbolizes what hip-hop should be, political and angry. Sure, it can be fun at times too (see Outkast,) but no one has ever sounded angrier or meaner than Chuck D when he gets going on songs like “Nighttrain,” “By the Time I Get to Arizona,” or “”Fight the Power.” Public Enemy never talked about “bling” or trivial things. They always came at you with something to say, and you listened.

2. The Roots: I wanted to say that the Roots are an amazing hip-hop group because they all actually play their own instruments, but that is really only the tip of the iceberg. The Roots are amazing because of that, yes, but also because they are so intelligent in a genre of music that can be so mind numbingly retarded at times. They are amazing because they might come at you with jazz on one track, then punk on another and then pure raw freestyle on the next. They are amazing because ?uestlove is a fantastic producer and Black Thought is one of the most talented lyricists and vocalists around. And they are amazing because somehow they still manage to score a hit now and then on modern rap radio amongst listeners who would rather hear about fancy cars and girls with big asses.

3. Outkast: I truly believe that Outkast is hip-hop’s answer to the Beatles. They started out playing straight forward hip-hop that was more or less what you hear on the radio, but still different in a strange sort of way (Outkast was the first popular hip-hop group, or performer at all, to come from the south.) Then around the time of Aquemini they started to change their style and make music that was unlike anything anyone had ever heard before. One of their best (and probably last) albums was really just a bunch of recordings both artists did on their own with very little collaboration. And though it hasn’t happened quite yet, it’s almost unavoidable that they will break up sooner than later with maybe one or two additional albums to show for it. I love Outkast because they are always a lot of fun, but mainly just because they are so damn different from anything else you hear these days. Also "Hey-Ya" is the greatest pop song of all time, that's right Glen, it's true... deal with it.

4. N.W.A.: Second in anger only to Public Enemy, N.W.A. even put how pissed off they were in their namesake. Ice Cube, Easy E, Dr. Dre… the other guys, N.W.A. was hip-hop’s first super group and paved the way for all west-coast rap. And while I love Dre’s solo work, and Snoop and Tupac, none of it rivaled how truly brutal N.W.A. could become.

5. Slick Rick: Slick Rick has led an incredibly interesting life, and aside from being a great rapper, his saga is always amusing to follow. He was the first British Rapper to become majorly popular. He has a legitimate eye patch. He was then imprisoned for attempted murder, nearly deported on multiple occasions and had a man impersonate him for several years. Just recently he was granted a full pardon by New York governor, David Patterson. The saga continues…

Top Songs of 2008

I think 2008 was a relatively good year for music. Sure there were some disappointments, (I’m looking at you Old Crow Medicine Show,) but all in all things were pretty decent. So, like every other blog and music magazine at the end of December, here are our top 20 songs of 2008. I should also mention that this blog is (I think fairly obviously) not geared towards hipsters, so don’t be surprised by our lack Portishead or Death Cab for Cutie songs. (I was very tempted to make this week’s list a best of 2007 list or something, just to go against expectations, but sometimes cliché is okay I suppose.)

Also, I cheated and put my top 25 songs, but it’s okay, because I run the website and can cheat if I want. I should also note, most of these songs are in no particular order unless otherwise noted.

Chuck

25. Hank Williams III “The Grand Old Opry (Ain’t So Grand)”: It’s becoming tradition now that on every album Hank III has a new song dising Nashville. First there was “Trashville” and then “Dick in Dixie,” and now “Opry”. You would almost think that his rants on how much he hates Nashville and modern country would have become trite and preachy by now, and okay they have, but who better to preach to you than the grandson of country’s original badass? Unfortunately, this is one of only about three (actually two and a half) good songs off of Hank’s new album. The rest of it just comes off as recycled, half assed versions of songs off of his earlier albums. Still better than most country that comes out today, but disappointing no less.

24. The Barenaked Ladies “Raisins”: This song is off of the Barenaked Ladies’ children’s album, which was really way more enjoyable than it should have been for any twenty-four year old. I like to listen to it while I’m finger painting or making bird feeders out of pine cones. Anyways, this song is totally off the wall and ridiculous, which gives it added points. I wait in anticipation for their next children’s album Smacktime (lead singer Steven Page was arrested in July for cocaine possession. Sigh, I hate having to explain my own jokes.)

23. Ben Folds “Brainwashed”: “You’re So Vain,” “You Oughta Know,” “Brainwashed.” What do these have in common? Great songs putting down an ambiguous second party which have lead to dozens of possible theories on who said party is. Ben Folds’ Way to Normal has been one of my favorite albums of 2008. It sees Ben returning to his old school more raucous style that he started out with when he was playing with the Ben Folds Five, while loosing none of his sardonic wit in the process. This song is also great because Ben really comes off like quite a catty bitch.

22. Kings of Leon “Crawl”: When did the Kings of Leon become so sexy? Their music has always been all over the place and kinda stupid, but fun. Yet, on Only by the Night they go in an almost completely new direction and sink deep into a murky groove, with just a touch of soul. My favorites off of the album are probably this song which just has a dirty and thick groove throughout, Manhattan (which has lead singer Caleb Followill singing so raw and passionately you expect him to damage his larynx,) and “Sex on Fire,” (seriously, when did this guy learn to sing?)

21. My Morning Jacket “Highly Suspicious”: My Morning Jacket is a southern jam band from Kentucky. They start off this song with a Justin Timberlake style beat, start singing in an almost absurdly high (yet still kinda sexy) falsetto, have lyrics that don’t seem to make much sense, but do seem to have something to do with “peanut butter pudding surprise”, and then have cookie monster sing the chorus. All I have to say is way to think outside of the box MMJ!

20. Beyonce “At Last”: I put this on here because I did not know Beyonce could actually sing. Seriously, I had no idea. I know people always say she can, and obviously people like her, but that doesn’t ACTUALLY mean anything. Just look at the facts, she is a modern R&B singer, none of them actually sing, it’s all autotune, right? But Etta James can sing. And as far as I know, Etta James was not an android or a robot. And if she was, she didn’t sound like one, like T-Pain, or Kanye (where is Sarah Conner when we need her?) And since this is an Etta James song, and still kinda sounds like an Etta James song, then obviously Beyonce can really sing. Math is hard.

19. The Raconteurs “Attention”: I miss the 70’s. So does Jack White, apparently. This song is straight 70’s style rock and roll. Robert Plant vocals and a thick and funky backing track reminiscent of Bad Company or Foreigner, (as much as I’d like to compare the whole song to Zeppelin, it’s not quite THAT badass.)

18. Panic at the Disco “Pas De Cheval”: I have gone from completely hating bands like Panic at the Disco and Fall Out Boy, to actually kind of respecting them and their music and just completely hating the titles of their songs instead. I have absolutely no idea what the title of this song means or if it has anything to do with the actual song itself, but it probably doesn’t. However the song is just an excellent pop song, plain and simple.

17. Cadillac Sky “My Precious Waltz / I Hate How Happy She Is”: Time for my bluegrass interlude. Cadillac Sky is one of the most amazing bands to have come out in recent memory. Awe inspiring vocals, intelligent lyrics, and superb musicianship. The beginning of this song starts with an incredibly chilling waltz that suddenly morphs into a banjo plucking rave up about how the lead singer hates how well his ex is doing without him. If you want to get someone into bluegrass, Cadillac Sky is a perfect introductory band.

16. The Duhks “This Fall”: The Duhks are a bluegrass band out of Canada, but what sets them apart from most other bluegrass bands is that they had a female lead singer with one of the most stunningly beautiful voices you will ever hear and a percussionist who somehow manages to incorporate bizarre Latin rhythms into the songs. Then last year both of these people left the band. Somehow, the remaining members of the Duhks managed to replace them with a lead singer and percussionist who are equally as talented, if not more so. I had this album and listened to it dozens of times without even noticing the change, before a friend of mine clued me in. Anyways, this song is a haunting ballad about people falling in love and how miserable it can be to watch.

15. Darrell Scott “Urge for Going”: You could call Darrell Scott country, after all dozens of modern country musicians have covered his songs, but I prefer to consider him bluegrass because he uses typical bluegrass instruments and is actually talented. The best thing about Scott is his songwriting, his ability to use clever phrasing while combining it with a sweet and catchy melody. So it only makes sense that his last album, Modern Hymns, is composed entirely of covers of other people’s songs. Wait. What? Fuck. Yet still he makes it work. Every song in here is beautiful, and would fit in perfectly with his other works. This song was originally a Joni Mitchell song, and I hate Joni Mitchell.

14. Weezer “The Greatest Man That Ever Lived”: This may well be the most epic song since Bohemian Rhapsody. It goes through at least four separate movements, and Rivers kinda raps in it. This year there were a lot of albums released that I thought were good, but not as good as said artist’s previous effort (Hank III, the Fratellis, Trivium,) but I thought Weezer’s last album, (Make Believe,) was a steaming pile of horse shit, so the Red Album makes up for all the others, right? Right!

13. Mofro “Dew Drops”: I just realized I have had a Mofro song on every playlist I’ve made thus far. For those of you unfamiliar with Mofro, they are a band from my home state of Florida, based out of Jacksonville. The lead singer (JJ Grey) has one of the sweetest and most heartbreaking voices I have ever heard (his favorite singer is also Otis Redding) and they sing about a lot of subjects that are close to me. This song is classic Mofro, tender and soulful as ever.

12. Todd Snider “Dividing the Estate (A Heart Attack)”: Todd Snider is another one of my all time favorite artists who most people have never heard of. I think he is the modern day Bob Dylan. Or maybe Woody Gutherie would be more appropriate? He doesn’t have a traditionally good voice, but he is almost unbearably clever. Another thing I love about Snyder is his sincerity and innocence. At the end of his latest album (an EP called Peace Queer) the music fades out and he says plainly to the audience that “lately my friends have been telling me that my songs have gotten more and more opinionated. So I wanted to let you know before we finish this music, that while over the course of this music I may share some of my opinions with you. I don’t share them with you because I think they’re smart or because I think you need to know them. I share them with you because they rhyme. I did not do this to change your mind about anything, I did this to ease my own mind about everything.” Which I thought was a very unusual display of honestly from a musician. Man I need to stop rambling about the albums so much and talk about the songs. This one is about the death of Uncle Sam after he gets fat and bloated.

11. Foxboro Hot Tubs “Mother Mary”: And now I will unmask the Foxboro Hot Tubs, they are actually Green Day all dressed up in a weird name and playing 60’s style pop. Apparently after the massive failure that was American Idiot they decided that releasing another album as Green Day could only be a commercial and financial failure. Wait, didn’t American Idiot sell millions of copies? Green Day must just be silly then.

10. Jason Mraz “Make it Mine”: While the Raconteurs are reveling in pure unadulterated 70’s Rock and Roll, Jason Mraz puts out smooth, calm 70’s AM gold on his first single from his new album, We Sing, We Dance, We Steal Things (all things I actually do, oh Jason, you know me so well. Infatuated sigh, and moving on)

9. The Cab “That 70’s Song”: I will probably be criticized a lot for this list. I will say right now, I am not ashamed of my music choices. I simply have good pop sensibilities, and like a catchy melody. I am man enough to admit I like Panic at the Disco (or their last album at least,) or Fall Out Boy or Paramore. I don’t believe in guilty pleasures, I say man up and admit you like something, don’t be ashamed you love Wham! Rock your “Choose Life” shirt and don’t forget to wake me up before you go-go. That being said, the Cab is almost a guilty pleasure. They sound like either a prettier, more flamboyant Maroon 5, or maybe a more talented N’Sync. They are, in all honestly, a boy band, (is that term relevant any more? Are Fall Out Boy or Panic boy bands?) except they can play instruments. This is a song you cannot listen to in your car, unless you have your windows rolled all the way up and no one else is in ear shot. And yet, I can’t stop listening.

8. The Fratellis “My Friend John”: This is probably the most fun track off of the Fratelli’s latest album, Here We Stand. The new album has more easily intelligible lyrics, much better production and doesn’t sound like it was all cut in one day through several cases of Red Bull and who knows how much liquor. These are all downfalls. Sure the album is still pretty damn good. There are great hooks and well made songs, but it just doesn’t sound like the same band of incorrigible scamps who made the first album. Also, if you were a ship, what ship would you be (Listen to the song)?

7. The Kooks “Always Where I Need to Be”: You know a song is going to be great when it has a part where someone goes “doo doo doo.” That aside, there is just something amazing about the Kooks. Stunning melodies, tender vocals, and a certain sweetness that’s hard to explain. In their song “She Moves in Her Own Way” (it’s off their last album, but I’m trying to make a point, so shut up!) lead singer, Luke Pritchard, sings about how much he loves a girl because she came to the show just to hear about his day. In “Gap” he pleads, to the point where his voice starts to break, for a girl not to leave him. These aren’t things that you hear many bands do. A lesser band might tone down the vocals in order to sing the chorus more “technically proper,” or talk about more mundane and common things in the relationship like how the sex is or how beautiful the girl is. It’s all in the details, savvy? I chose this song because it‘s the type of song you hear once and have stuck in your head the rest of the day, but don‘t particularly mind, and I like songs that go “doo doo doo.”

6. The Black Keys “Strange Times”: It took me a bit to warm up to the latest album by the Black Keys. It’s produced by Danger Mouse of Gnarls Barkley and Grey Album fame, which is strange because the Black Keys are a grungy, blues rooted two piece band that has nothing to do with what Danger Mouse normally specializes in. Yet it works. It’s a little less raw than the band’s previous efforts, which I do miss, but the song writing and structure are much improved. This song is especially impressive to me because if you listen to the beat in the background it’s almost a hip-hop beat.

5. The Bridge “Dirtball Blues”: I have just recently discovered this band, and am totally in love. Matt described them as a better version of the Grateful Dead, which I don’t really see, but to each his own. To me they are simply just a superb southern rock band, which is rare these days. At least in a classic sense, which these guys seem to exemplify. They also mix in a lot of bluegrass elements, and I am totally gay for bluegrass (which is probably extremely apparent by this list.)

4. Metallica “All Nightmare Long”: My boys have come back home! The prodigal sons have returned! Slaughter the fattened calf and praise be to Satan! The first good Metallica album since… I’ll be nice and say the Black Album (subjective I know, but I do still like a few of those songs.) I had a lot of hopes for this album, and I must say they did not disappoint, and while it’s not quite classic Metallica, it’s as close as I think we will ever see again. Why did I have high hopes where most others expected nothing, because I saw that St. Anger was a step in the right direction. I honestly didn’t think it was a terrible album, aside from the fact that it was unlistenable and the songwriting was completely retarded. But that was just Bob Rock’s horse shit production, and seriously, the lyrics on this album can be pretty retarded at times too, it’s just less noticeable. Plus Kurt solos again!

3. Trivium “Insurrection”: Trivium is one of my favorite new metal bands (not nu metal). That said, they are such fucking sell outs. Their last album they changed their trademark screaming vocal style to a more classic thrash metal that was very reminiscent of Metallica. This got everyone’s attention, they became hugely successful and sold lots of albums. This also pissed off a lot of their fans, but they claimed to have abandoned the screaming style because they never liked playing that type of music, they just did it to get their foot in the door so they could play what they want. Alright, I can forgive them that, I don’t know if I wouldn’t do the same thing given the opportunity. On their latest album, Shogun, they go back to screaming, while keeping the more Metallica style instrumentals. What happened to your artistic vision? Cunts. Still, they are insanely talented instrumentally, despite the screaming, so I included this track, which is one of the heaviest songs I’ve heard in some time. And they don’t scream the whole time, so that’s something.

2. Slim Cessna’s Auto Club “Children of the Lord”: There has been an odd trend in bluegrass over the last several years by bands that are not really religious to take religious traditionals and cover them. When this happens the songs always come out sounding twisted, demented and a little frightening. I love it! Later, in Cessna’s new album, Cipher, he ridicules Jesus for taking his sweet time coming back, so I really don’t think he’s a closet Christian trying to sneak some god to his listeners. The whole album is dark, creepy and a great listen, if you like weird shit. I do.

1. Local H “The One With ‘Kid’”: Local H’s latest album is all about the troubles of getting over a break up, an original idea, I know (sarcasm). Still Local H does manage to cover some new ground and take an odd angle on 12 Angry Months. This song is about the troubles of dividing a record collection (and subsequently less important things like friends, and hang outs) after the relationship has ended.

Glen

1. Metallica “All Nightmare Long” – After the travesty that was St. Anger, which I still can’t decide whether to classify as a war crime or an abortion, Metallica really blew me away with Death Magnetic. It’s definitely their best album since the Black Album, even better in some respects. At last, the long awaited return to their metal roots. I’ll have to send Rick Rubin a thank you card. This song isn’t a single, but it’s currently my favorite on the album, and the big single, “The Day That Never Comes,” although decent, is actually one of my least favorite. As my favorite song from my favorite album of the year, it gets the number one slot.

2. Flobots “Handlebars” – This song got a little radio play, but in my opinion did not become nearly as huge as it deserved to. Although I have no idea what the fuck they mean, the lyrics are interesting and easy to rap along with. The beat is simple but catchy with a terrific horn solo and the video is a little gem of haunting Orwellian animation. The rest of the album is just alright. It’s full of enough Hugo Chavez loving ultra-liberal propaganda to make Zack de la Rocha blush, but the production is well done. Nothing else on the album touches this song though.

3. Motley Crue “Saints of Los Angeles” – With AC/DC, Metallica and Motley Crue all releasing new albums, 2008 was the year of the attempted 80’s metal god comeback. Unfortunately only two of them were successful and that’s why you won’t see any AC/DC on this list. This song however, is a fire-breathing, building-smashing rock monster. There’s no two ways about it. It’s classic Motley Crue and it melts faces everywhere. The video was disappointing, trying way too hard to be cool; although the five foot tall kick drum on the stage is pretty sweet. Overall though, this is definitely the best thing anybody from Motley Crue has done since Tommy Lee videotaped himself nailing Pam Anderson on a speedboat.

4. MIA “Paper Planes” – Technically the album containing this song, Kala, was released in 2007. But if ten people told me they had heard this song before the Pineapple Express trailer, I would put down good money that at least seven of them were lying. So due to its massive breakout success this summer, I’m counting it as a 2008 song (and the rest of the album sucks anyway). If you don’t like this song, you’re probably either deaf, an indie troll who hates anything popular, or mentally retarded. Will Smith take note; this is how you sample a Clash song.

5. Coldplay “Violet Hill” – I’m not really much of a Coldplay fan. They have a few songs I like, but mostly I think they’re overrated. But this was one of the few songs this year that I didn’t mind hearing over and over again on the radio. It has a strong melody peppered with the kind of super-crunchy guitar that you don’t often hear from bands like Coldplay. It is my firm belief that everybody should get off of Viva La Vida’s nuts. It was in a damn iPod commercial and now every hipster douche wannabe is calling it the best song of 2008. This song is way better.

6. Flight of the Conchords “Angels” – The best novelty music duo made famous by an HBO series since Tenacious D is at it again. The upcoming second season doesn’t officially start until January, but the premier episode is already available on Fancast and this little ditty is the closing number. A song about angels boning in the clouds with a soft acoustic guitar accompaniment and an amazing full choir climax (get it?), it promises another great season full of hilarious naivety and absurd music.

7. Beck “Gamma Ray” – It’s Beck, do I really have to say anything more? I love the sound of my own voice, so yes I do. The guitar sounds like it should be coming out of an early 60’s surfing B-movie, and in good old fashioned Beck tradition the lyrics are weird as hell and don’t really make any sense. I’m not sure who should get more credit, Beck himself or the album’s producer Danger Mouse (the crazy genius behind the Grey Album), but either way this song stands out strongly in my mind as one of the greats of this year.

8. Death Cab for Cutie “I Will Possess Your Heart” – I don’t really think there’s any reason for this song to be eight and a half minutes long, but my complaints with it end there. Fortunately the shortened down radio version is not eight and a half minutes long and makes for a relaxing antidote to my violent road rage whenever it comes on.

9. Vampire Weekend “A-Punk” – The song that took Vampire Weekend from obscurity to mega stardom, that moved their music from the iPods of indie weirdoes to the stages of Letterman and SNL. With its upbeat rhythm and Caribbean influenced guitar, this song makes me want to take a cruise far away from all this cold. Super Happy Fun Time Song of the Year.

10. Common “Universal Mind Control” – It’s great when you hear an artist you like go in a new direction and it works. According to Forbes, “Common created ‘Universal Mind Control’ because he felt the feel-good music was the only music missing from his body of work.” And he did a damn good job too. This title track from the new album is fresh, funky and cool as hell. And I like that Zune commercial where he appears with Afrika Bambaataa.

11. Foo Fighters “Let It Die” – Are the Foo Fighters even capable of releasing a bad single? Time after time they prove that they are not. I honestly can’t think of one radio single by them that I haven’t liked. This year’s best was “Let It Die” with its slow, sad start and loud, angry conclusion. How Dave Grohl manages to scream like that night after night on tour without ripping his vocal chords and pulling his groin is beyond me, but it’s impressive as hell.

12. Kings of Leon “Sex on Fire” – This song was a bit of an acquired taste for me. I didn’t really like it much at first, but after hearing it a couple dozen times I began to appreciate it. After a couple dozen more times I came to really like it. Now, not only do I put it on my best songs of 2008 list, but I would also put it on a Top 20 Songs to Make Babies To list.

13. Nas “Hero” – Kanye West’s biggest competitor for most egotistical son of a bitch on the planet, only he’s been around longer and he does it better. The rapper who portrayed himself as Jesus before Kanye did is now proclaiming himself to be the martyr savior of hip hop. I guess the contest to see who has the biggest head is what rap’s all about these days. It’s kind of funny and it’s also kind of sad. But this song has a strange charm to it and the beat is absolutely epic.

14. Weezer “Pork and Beans” – Holy Christ was this song ever catchy! I definitely heard this more times on the radio than anything else this year by far and yet it still never really got old. I could take or leave “Troublemaker,” but this song will go down with “Buddy Holly” and “Hash Pipe” as one of the defining moments of their career. And I’m just glad that it helped bring Weezer back into all our lives, and with Rivers sporting a sweet Miami Vice ‘stache. I would also like to add that this was easily the best video of 2008.

15. The Raconteurs “Salute Your Solution” – With two hugely successful bands, Jack White just can’t seem to fuck up. This song has an amazing guitar riff and that’s really all there is to it…the description I mean, not the song.

16. Lil’ Wayne feat Jay-Z “A Millie (NFL remix)” – There is a modern day savior of hip hop and it’s not Kanye or Nas, it’s Lil’ Wayne. Just the fact that he went from being one of Master P’s lackeys in the Cash Money days to being the most respected hip hop artist in years is remarkable. “A Millie” was his biggest song this year, but I don’t care very much for the original version. It’s the beat. That thing with the deep male voice repeating the same line on loop over and over again, Rick Ross already did that on “Hustlin” and he had the courtesy not to keep it going through the entire song. In my opinion, this remix improves the song by a Millie, taking it from unpalatable to fantastic. A lot of people seem to not agree with me, but I think sampling the NFL theme music was genius. Jay-Z provides a pretty solid contribution (although honestly it probably would have been better without him) and Lil Wayne’s vocal styling is, as always, impeccable.

17. Kaiser Chiefs “Addicted to Drugs” – You might as well face it, you’re addicted to love…err, drugs. It’s interesting how they managed to so obviously reference a Robert Palmer song without actually covering the song or even sampling a single note from it. I read about this song in somebody’s Facebook status message and decided to check it out. I haven’t gotten around to listening to much else by them, but based on this song it’s definitely on my list of things to do.

18. MGMT “Time to Pretend” – I’m not really all that into MGMT. I think they’re pretty overrated, but maybe that’s because I don’t really do electro-pop. I first listened to them this year before Bonnaroo when I was trying to decide which bands I was going to see and I wasn’t blown away by most of it. It wasn’t until recently that I begrudgingly gave this song a listen and it immediately struck me as being far better than anything else I’ve heard by them.

19. Vampire Weekend “Everywhere” – Originally I wanted to throw two or three songs from Metallica’s new album into this list, but then I decided I didn’t want to do any band repeats. So for Vampire Weekend I was trying to decide between their happy-go-lucky breakout hit “A-Punk” and this super cool Fleetwood Mac cover. In the end, I had to go with both. It wouldn’t be right to ignore a great song that is largely responsible for much of their recent success, but at the same time covering Fleetwood Mac is such an awesome thing to do.

20. The Mighty Underdogs feat. MF Doom “Gunfight” – I started the list with my favorite metal song of the year and I decided to end it with my favorite rap song of the year. A rap song about drinking and gun slinging in the old west? Fucking giddyup! Throw in a bunch of heavy guitar, a smooth ass verse by MF Doom and one of the coolest music videos I’ve ever seen and you’ve got the best rap song of 2008.

NOTE: I originally wanted to include “Knights of Cydonia” by Muse in this list, very high in the list. I never heard the song until this year when I started hearing it frequently on the radio, so I assumed it was new. But upon further research, it turns out the song was actually released in 2006. So honorable mention to a tremendous song that, while not new this year, was new to me this year.
I’d also like to give a shout-out to the worst song of 2008, “Love Lockdown” by Kanye West. Really? No rapping? You’re singing now? We all know the only reason your voice even sounds halfway decent on this track is because it’s distorted half to hell by vocal synthesizers. And it’s not even a good song, it sounds like R Kelly pissing on Daft Punk. People argue that it was ballsy, but so was shooting Kennedy; it doesn’t mean we need to commend Oswald. Maybe just stick to talking about how great and versatile you are instead of trying to show us and making an ass of yourself.

Aaron

1.The Heavy - “Set Me Free” - from the album Great Vengeance and Furious Fire -
This is a interesting new artist. Like many newer artists, one of the first words that was used to describe this band was “indie”. I was hesitant to even bother with them. Their sound changed that. My favorite song off this album is “Set Me Free”. This song sounds like Prince trying to Karaoke an early Rolling Stones’ song. It has just enough Hip hop, rock, and funk influences to make a great song.

2. The Black Keys - “Strange Times” - from the album Attack and Release – Even though I was not very happy that Danger Mouse produced this album and gave it a layered sound, I still think that The Black Keys are an incredibly tight duo. “Strange Times” sounds like something that Zeppelin should have recorded. And by that I mean the lyrics are hard to decipher and seem to have a deep meaning. It shows that on their fifth album they haven't gone soft or mainstream. And, Danger Mouse, mind your own business!

3. Todd Snider - “Is This Thing on” - from the album Peace Queer – I think that Todd Snider is one of the best song writers of my generation. I can probably add a song of his on every odd playlist that I can create. He covers so many topics and has an amazing wit. And “Is This Thing On” proves that. I was kind of disappointed with his new album, it was just too short. The songs on it were amazing, but there were not enough of them. But it was free so I can't bitch too much.

4. The Zutons - “Whats Your Problem” - from the album You Can Do Anything – Oh, the Zutons. If they keep this up I'm going to have to kick someone off my top five list. I'm totally gay for any modern band that has a decent brass section and isn't a ska or swing band. I don't think that anyone will agree with me, but, here goes.....the reason that this song is my favorite is that it sounds like a Guess Who song off the album Road Food. Let the criticism begin......

5. My Morning Jacket - “Highly Suspicious" – from the album Evil Urges – I don't even know where to begin when it comes to this song. Ok, first, the rest of this album is pretty bland. It sounds like after “Evil Urges” and “Highly Suspicious” they just gave up. But the first two songs were worth the rest of the album. “Highly Suspicious” is a jam full of funkiness that expresses a man's jealousy concerning the possibility of a woman cheating on him. I guess if you had to put it in simpler words, “peanut butter pudding surprise,” would be how I would describe it too.

6. Randy Newman - “A Few Words” - from the album Harps and Angels – I think that Randy Newman is very underrated. He has been around since the late sixties and is still a kooky and strange man that always has something he wants to get off his chest. What I like about him is that his songs are so simple. He just talks for the most part. It's like hearing a senile old man ramble about things that piss him off. But, in Newman's case, his ramblings make me think. For example, “A Few Words” is pretty much what we all have been thinking and what all the other countries know. And If I have you wondering what I'm talking about. Maybe you should listen to the song and find out.

7.Elvis Costello & the Imposters - “Stella Hurt” - From the album Momofuku – First of all, I want to give a huge round of applause to Elvis Costello. He released this album on vinyl first. Then, released it on CD. As a collector of vinyl and a huge supporter of it's slow but eventual comeback into mainstream music, I appreciate this very much. There is nothing slowing down Mr. Costello. He pretty much sounds like he did on This Years Model. The guitars sound a little more modern but essential Costello’s voice, catchy lyrics and riffs are all still present.

8.Jason Mraz - “Butterfly” - from the album We Sing, We Dance, We Steal Things – This is my favorite Jason Mraz album yet. This song is seductive, smooth and totally inappropriate for children. It is hard to find a good song nowadays that is an adult song about sex and seduction that isn't completely vulgar, has ridiculous lyrics, or doesn't seem to take the topic seriously. But not Jason Mraz. He said to himself, “I'm going to write a catchy pop song and I don't care if I have to return to the seventies to do it. “

9.Panic at the Disco - “Behind the Sea” - from the album Pretty, Odd – This album got great reviews and was a big hit of 2008. And there are a lot of reasons for that. One of them is that it sounds nothing like their last album. Which was, well, to put it frankly, complete modern indie crap. What a difference an exclamation mark can make. “Behind the Sea” is one of the shortest songs on the album, but has a lot of feeling and soul. It has a mellow country feel and some great strings and picking to boot.

10. Raconteurs – “Consoler of the Lonely” - from the album Consolers of the Lonely – Second time around the Raconteurs really made an awesome record. This track one side one is my favorite because you can really hear the different elements of the band members. Jack Whites vocals and edgy guitar riffs. And Stephen Malkmus's strange melodies and drums.

11. The Week That Was - “Scratch the Surface” - from the album The Week That Was – I like this band because they are a good alternative to the Killers. Which suck. So, last year, when I wanted an pseudo eighties band. Here came The Week That Was. I don't even think that was the sound that they were going for. But, it doesn't sound trite and forced like the Killers.

12. Kings of Leon - “Notion” - from the album Only by the Night – This band really made an odd record. And when I say odd I mean odd for them. And when I say odd for them I mean good. The lead singer finally started to use his piercing vocals and the band finally started to tighten up.

13. The Knux - “Bang! Bang!” - from the album Remind Me In 3 Days – There aren't many modern hip hop and rap artist from the last ten years that I really enjoy. That genre of music has really gone down hill. There are a few. And I am glad to add the Knux to that list. This song is a refreshing and original change from the Lil' Wayne artists out there. And, I'm sorry, if any of you music critics who love him are out there. He isn't that great. All these cookie cutter artists are out there and they only sell records because that type of music was hot for the last decade. But I believe that is going to change soon. Hopefully more interesting hip hop artists will emerge to satisfy the need for more exciting music in that genre.

14. Vampire Weekend - “Oxford Comma” - from the album Vampire Weekend – This band surprised me. The title and even the Rolling Stone description of the album made it sound awful. But then I read the track listing and saw “Oxford Comma” and I was intrigued. I was happily surprised. The song is just about not giving a fuck about anything. I was drawn in by the tiny bits of falsetto in the beginning and the lyrics pulled me through to the end. Just a great overall song. And, who does give a fuck about an Oxford comma?

15. Presidents of the United States of America - “Deleter” - from the album These Are the Good Times People – One of the main reasons that this is one of my favorite songs of 2008 is if the backup vocals. They sound like normal backup vocals, but they're not. I did some research and found out that the vocals are done by Fysah Thomas. I know. Who is that? She is soulful jazz lead singer of the band 12th and Vine. I would have put one of their songs on here, but I'm afraid that they’re a little hard to find. Oh yeah, Deleter is pretty great too. Haha.

16. Barenaked Ladies - “Raisins” - from the album Snacktime – Who thought that a kids album could be one of the best albums of the year? Oh, yeah, it wasn't. But it should have been.. I dare you to listen to this song. It will be stuck in your head for the next week. If you don't believe me, just try it. But remember, I warned you.

17. Ben Folds - “Dr. Yang” - from the album Way To Normal – What makes this album so great is that he went back to that good ol' Ben Folds Five feel that we have all grown to love and enjoy. And I think this song most resembles that feel.

18. The Fratellis - “Acid Jazz Singer” - from the album Here We Stand – This is one of the albums that I couldn't decide which song to pick. All of them exceeded my expectations and they definitely beat the sophomore slump. I picked this song mostly because of the title. I just happen to be a fan of acid jazz. And you won't hear many American artist’s use that term in their titles.

19. The Kooks - “Do You Wanna” - from the album Konk - What can I say? I have been a fan since their first album. They have a fun upbeat sound with sweet innocent lyrics. So, I tried to pick the song with the most serious tone. But, I failed.. This song is close though.

20. One Day as a Lion - “Wild International” - from the album One Day as a Lion - I'm just glad that Zack is back. I was starting to miss hating my government. Even though it was just a E.P. I still have hope. And maybe if I am a good boy this year Santa will leave me a new Rage album under my tree next year.

And here, as an added bonus, are my top 5 best and worst things to happen in 2008.

Best
5. Kanye West releases 808’s and Heartbreaks: Alright, I will admit it, I am a Kanye fan. He is one of the few modern rappers they actually play on the radio that I have the ability to listen to. And with his latest album, 808’s, he has done what so many other visionaries in the past have dared to do, release a terrible album under a wacky premise. In doing so he has managed to truly diversify himself and show he is capable of releasing things that are outside the box, even if they ultimately don’t work in the end.
4. Stephen Colbert runs for president: I read an interview with Colbert once, after he did the Press Core dinner, where he talks about how he managed to become more than just a late night political commentator during his speech and actually touch the system he spends most of his nights satirizing. In 2008 he did it again, running as a favorite son of South Carolina, he affected the way things work and showed he was indeed a force to be reckoned with.
3. Axl Rose finally releases Chinese Democracy: In Chuck Klosterman’s book, Fargo Rock City, he jokes about how Chinese Democracy has been in the works forever and how he wouldn’t be surprised if it didn’t come out by the time the book was published, but thought it probably would. The book was published in 2001. So finally Axl has released his monster epic he has been working on since… let’s say the dawn of time. Congrats Axl, it only took you a couple decades, several guitarists and millions of dollars.
2. I left Florida and moved to New York: I love Florida, and have lived all of my life there, but this last year I felt it was time for a change. So I packed all of my shit into a U-Haul with one of my best friends and headed off to restart our lives in the Empire State. This is really more of a personal note on my own life, but this website did come out of me making a soundtrack to all of my experiences, so I suppose it’s acceptable. Besides, for me, getting out of Florida and moving up here was what the year was all about. Well that and the election, and thus…
1. Our last year with President Bush and we elected the first black president: Undoubtedly the best thing to happen this year, and here is why. One, Douchebag McEvil gets ousted after two unexplainable terms. Two, we elect the first black president ever, and about fucking time too. Three, we have elected a candidate that I actually feel is genuine and who does not seem to subscribe to the typical political dogma. A candidate who actually ran a classy election, when he could have easily turned to mudslinging. My faith in humanity is restored.

Worst
5. Kanye West releases 808’s and Heartbreaks: As I said before, Kanye is one of my favorite modern rappers, and it’s great that he had the balls to release a bad album… but seriously, couldn’t he have just released a good one instead? I hate autotune with a passion, and despise any song with T-Pain. Why Kanye, why? Who told you that you could sing? They lied to you man! Just because one person who can’t sing sells dozens of records, doesn’t mean everyone should. Now you are encouraging more people to do this. What have you done? What horror have you unleashed upon us?
4. Stephen Colbert runs for president and gets shot down immediately: Given, I didn’t think he would go far in the race, but South Carolina wouldn’t even put him on the ballot! He is America, it says so in the title of his book. That’s like saying America can’t run for president. South Carolina, you’re on notice!
3. Axl Rose finally releases Chinese Democracy: Yay, it finally came out. And it wasn’t bad, maybe it was even as good as one of the Use Your Illusion albums. But it wasn’t as good as Appetite for Destruction, and there is no way that an album you spend almost two decades working on is going to live up to it’s hype. Then, to top things off, the album bombs commercially. It’s just one of those things where the legend doesn’t live up to the actual product.
2. I left Florida and moved to New York, just not New York, New York: All year I dreamed of moving to the city that doesn’t sleep and living in the pop culture epicenter of the world. Then we chose to go up there and look for jobs the very week Wall Street completely tanks, efficiently killing the job market in the city. So, with almost no notice or planning we decided to move to Albany where jobs are far more plentiful and living is actually affordable. And don’t get me wrong I like Albany, it’s very nice, it just isn’t New York City.
1. Our last year with President Bush: Hooray, he will be out of office in a mere twenty-two days. Not soon enough if you ask me. Yes, this has been our last year we’ve had to deal with the man, but he surely knows how to go out with a bang. Seriously, I didn’t think he could fuck anything else up before he left. But no, he had to go and destroy the economy. Now I’m not a political moron, and I fully acknowledge it wasn’t ENTIRELY his fault. But most of it did happen under his watch, he is at least to blame for half the root causes of it, and like everything else he’s fucked up, he failed to see it coming and denied it actually was occurring at the start of it. God damn, I will not miss you at all.