Top 5... Christmas Presents for Musicians

Ah, to find the perfect present. In the holiday season you always want to get that perfect something for the one's you love, and I tend to pride myself on being an excellent gift giver. For Brittny this year I got her a gift card for a nice restaurant so that Aaron, (whether he likes it or not,) could take her out for a romantic dinner, and for Aaron I got a remote control zombie. But what if you were in the record business? What would you get for all of your musician friends? Here is a list of our top five perfect presents we would give to our friends in the music industry.

Chuck

1. To: Bob Dylan, Jimi Hendrix's Voice and Guitar Skills - We all know that Dylan isn't the best singer in the world, (Despite what Rolling Stone might say.) And several people have taken songs Dylan wrote and gotten bigger hits than he ever came close to, from "Blowin' in the Wind," to "Mr. Tambourine Man." But Dylan never sounded better than when Hendrix covered "All Along the Watchtower," from Hendrix's crazy licks to his still far from perfect yet incredibly appropriate voice. So this is what i'm getting old Bobby for Christmas, besides modern music could use another Jimi Hendrix to spice things up, and when these two powers combine...

2. To: Stevie Wonder, The chance to redo the 80's - I was trying to add a fifth artist to my top 5 not long ago, and seriously considered Stevie Wonder for some time before ultimately eliminating him because everything he did after 1980 was complete rubbish. Sure, the 80's were tough for everyone, the Rolling Stones stopped having hit singles, Clapton stopped playing guitar, and ZZ Top started to get new wave influences, but no one had it worse than Mr. Wonder. And he showed such promise in the seventies, from an early child sensation with motown, to the beautiful combination of funk and soul he put out in the late seventies. So here is you chance to go back and put some soul into the godless void that was the eighties.

3. To: David Draiman (The lead singer of Disturbed), A Monkey – Many people in the heavy metal industry have a shtick, I have come to accept this, and for a lot of them this is a huge part of their charm, (See: GWAR.) Many people also use what are, on the outside, seemingly retarded ideas and turn them into something fairly badass. On "Crazy Train" Ozzy managed to make a train conductor sound metal, Judas Priest made leather chaps and homosexuality metal, but the lead singer of Disturbed has been trying for years to make monkeys metal, in his signature "ooh ah, ah, ah," shout heard predominantly in most of the band's songs, and i'm still just not buying it. Sure monkey's have great potential for metal in theory; they fling their own feces, can be terribly savage and are covered with more hair than Zak Wylde, but much like communism, it just doesn't work. Or perhaps he has always just wanted one. A loyal companion to be there for you when mommy beats you or when you get down with some sickness. So for Draiman I have gotten a monkey. Maybe now he will try a different animal, may I suggest a horsie?

4. To: Jimmy Page, Jon Paul Jones, and Jason Bonham, Pliers – Everyone wants to see Led Zeppelin get back together and tour, maybe even put out a new album. Even 3/4th's of Led Zeppelin wants to see this. Robert Plant however does not. What I think Robert Plant fails to realize is people have only cared about his "solo" career twice since he left Led Zeppelin. The first time was when he recorded an album with Jimmy Page because it was kind of like a Zeppelin album, only without being any good. And the second time was when he recorded an album with Allison Krauss, and that was only because it was just so damn weird and random. It was a true, "He recorded an album with who?" moment. So for the 3/4ths of Zeppelin who do want to get back together I have gotten some pliers, so that they can pull the giant stick out of Plant's ass and get back on the road.

5. To: Aretha Franklin, Respect - This is sadly the only present that I can get any of my favorite artists this holiday season and absolutely guarantee. You see, recently Aretha was voted the number one vocalist of all time in Rolling Stone's top 100 vocalists issue. Just over forty years ago Aretha burst onto the scene demanding just this very thing in a reworked version of one of Otis Redding's songs, and was quickly heralded as the Queen of Soul. But to see Rolling Stone name her as the number one vocalist seems like quite the accomplishment to me, especially in a magazine that tends to ignore soul more times than not. So merry Christmas to Aretha and everyone else out there!

Aaron

1. To: Amy Winehouse – A cheeseburger: Poor, poor, poor soulful diva. You have come so far. And yet we are going to lose you. I understand that the rock lifestyle is something that the average non-rocker can not comprehend, but do you really want to join the ranks of the illustrious “Forever 27”? Being born in 1983 she only has two more years to go. I usually don't let music artist's personal habits influence me when it comes to their music (Michael Jackson) but I would hate for you to be another Buddy Holly and make us all wonder what you could have been after a horrible demise. So, Mark Ronson, if you really want to help her career, supersize it. Please.

2. To: The Rolling Stones – Yoko Ono: The one thing that I have always liked about the Beatles is that they broke up at the pinnacle of their career. If they hadn't broke up they could have ended up like Madonna, The Police, Led Zeppelin, AC/DC or even the Rolling Stones. Why isn't it enough for these artists to revel in their own greatness of the past. I think they will be on that stage performing until they have to use wheel chairs. So, for Christmas, I am going to get the Stones their very own Yoko Ono. This way they can finally quit before they need one of the roadies to change their diapers after each song.

3. To: Toby Keith – A Ball Gag: I do like country. But I think modern country music, as a genre, has deteriorated to the point that it is almost unlistenable. I'm so serious, I just made up a word to describe it. And I don't want to pick on Toby Keith in general. There are others to blame as well. But Toby Keith's lyrics are written for morons. Now if you like Toby Keith it's ok, you just don't know any better. You have been subjected to modern country for so long that you just need to withdraw yourself from it for a while and you might be salvageable. Stop listening to country radio and put on some Willie Nelson or some David Allen Coe and remember what country is supposed to sound like. And as for you Toby Keith, cut it out. Stop furthering the stereotype that Randy Newman loves to sing about. And use the ball gag that you will be getting shortly in the mail.

4. To: Elvis Presley – Doc Brown: I have always extremely enjoyed Elvis. But I have always thought that the years that he had spent in Vegas were very sad. It was a depressing and desperate act that should never have happened. So for Christmas I am going to talk to Doc Brown and have him travel to 1967 and kill Kirk Kerorian before he builds the International Hotel in Las Vegas. Then travel to 1968 and meet Elvis after his comeback special and tell him, “that’s it.....we all love you man but you have to quit before every one remembers you as fat Elvis and not 1950's rockabilly Elvis.” I think he will understand.

5. To: Eric Clapton - create the first “Best Man to Introduce Black Music to Whites Since Elvis” Award: I have to admit that I didn't know who Robert Johnson was until I heard Me and Mr. Johnson from Eric Clapton. Not long after that I actually made a pilgrimage to Mississippi to pay respects to Robert Johnson's final resting place. And if I had to make a top twenty list of my favorite covers the first ten would be songs from that album. He has always had a way to pierce my soul with his songs. I actually believe sometimes that Clapton is pulling a “Milli Vanilli” and not actually singing or playing his instrument. But I can't see him as one of the Monkeys, so I guess I'm wrong. So if any big executives are reading this, do me a favor, honor this man for erasing the color barrier in music and give him a nice shinny award.

Glen

1. To: John Fogerty, the ability to pronounce the phonetic sound ‘er’ – The lead singer of Creedence is woyking for the man while the big wheel keeps on toyning and Proud Mary keeps on boyning. Also, he hoyd it through the grape vine. Who’s actually leading this band here, John Fogerty or Elmer Fudd?

2. To: The Other Two Members of The Police, Tantric sex lessons – Can you name the other two members of The Police without looking it up? I can’t. Now I know Sting was always the front man, but as far as I recall his solo thing wasn’t going all that well until this entire hullabaloo started about having sex for nine hours. Maybe if the other two guys get in on that, people will know their names as well. While I’m at it, I’ll get them cool nicknames too.

3. To: Robert Plant, a pot to either shit in or get off – First he’s committed to the 2009 mega world reunion tour, then he’s not. But there’s still speculation that he might come back around. Or is it just wishful thinking? Hopefully he does it, but either do it or don’t. This whole keeping the world waiting with bated breath thing is just lame.

4. To: Tommy Tutone, Jenny’s Area code – Back in the 80’s seven digits may have cut it, but these days you can’t even call yourself without entering an area code. If Tommy wants to get a hold of Jenny for a booty call in the twenty-first century, he’s going to need three more digits. Then again, she’s probably kind of old and saggy with a gaggle of kids by now, so he might want to re-gift this one.

5. To: Brittney Spears, Me – She may be an atrocious musician, a bad parent and a train wreck of a human being, but even bug-eyed crazy with a shaved head, she was still hot. She can most definitely have me for Christmas this year.

Matt

1. To: Marvin Gaye - One of 50 Cent's Bulletproof vests.
2. To: Pre-1977 Lynyrd Skynyrd - A Tour Bus.
3. To: Jeff Buckley - Swimming Lessons.
4. To: Johnny Ace - Some Blanks.
5. To: Hank Williams - Back Surgery.