So the other day I was watching The Tonight Show and I saw Conan interview legendary whore of an actor Samuel L. Jackson. So I see this guy walk out, dressed all like a pimp and admittedly looking way cooler than I ever will, and I‘m just disgusted at how hard he tries to come off as hot shit. I can’t help but think “Samuel L. Jackson, more like Samuel L. Jerkson.” Perhaps that’s too petty, but we get it, you’re a cool black guy and can get away with wearing Kangol hats without looking like a British chimney sweep, or even worse a pretentious film student. Then to prove how much of a tough guy badass he is, he tries to act like he goes around challenging people who criticize him on the internet. Again, point taken, nobody fucks with you. Though if you are really going to act like you challenge people, couldn’t you have picked someone a little more intimidating than bloggers?
What annoys me the most about Samuel L. is that he’s a one trick pony. The fact that he yells and curses a lot is no big secret, but the stereotype is just so painfully true that it’s absurd. It has to be one of the most accurate stereotypes I have ever heard, ever. Every movie I’ve seen him in, he screams and yells and curses, except for Kill Bill 2, but he was only in that for about half a second. So that’s one, one movie in which he doesn’t scream and yell, and I’ve met at least two Asians who were bad at math. So there you have it, most accurate stereotype ever. Not to mention that the man will be in just about anything. Snakes on a Plane? He signed on to do that one before all of the internet hype(And it still bombed). The other day a friend of mine was showing me an old home movie of his daughter’s birthday party, and there was Samuel L, sticking his finger in the frosting before they even cut the fucking cake. Apparently if there is a camera involved and even a small amount of money (or cake) he will show up. (It was pretty bad because then he started yelling at all the kids to get out of the goddamn pool after they ate because they’d get cramps. “Do you want motherfucking cramps? I Don’t think so!”)
So here, for my humble website I have compiled a list of ten of the greatest diss songs of all time for your enjoyment and detailed how I think they best describe Mr. Jackson (or Jerkson if you prefer.)
1. “Hit Em’ Up” - 2Pac: One of the sickest and most angry diss songs of all time. In this song you really believe that Pac is out for blood, and means business. So Mr. Jackson, “remember when I used to let you sleep on the couch?” also don’t you have sickle-cell or something?
2. “You’re So Vain” - Joni Mitchell: Another classic, and so ambiguous. But there’s nothing ambiguous about what I’m writing here. Sam, you probably think this post is about you... well it is you dumb fuck.
3. “Brainwashed” - Ben Folds: Went with a lesser known one here. Off of Ben Folds’ latest album, this song is a reply to a song that someone else (another mystery!) wrote about Ben as a diss. Basically the song says, don’t be lame and write a diss song, say it to my face. I completely agree, I would love to say all this to Sam’s face if I thought he actually would let me. “Maybe next time we should just have a dance off,” Sammy.
4. “How Do You Sleep” - John Lennon: John’s famous post-Beatles song putting down his ex-bandmate Paul McCartney. Very appropriate in this situation, how do you sleep knowing you are completely devoid of any artistic integrity whatsoever Jackson? “A pretty face may last a year or two, but pretty soon they’ll see what you can do.”
5. “Positively Negative” - Todd Snider: Completely obscure, but I’m sure Sam knows it. You like folk music, right Jackson? Anyways, for a folk artist Snider manages to completely fill this tune with vitriol and hate. I live in New York Sam, “Come over here tonight and I will let you treat me like the victim I’m not gonna be.” You see I'm taking lyrics from all these songs and using them to insult you... oohhhhh.
6. “Double Talking Jive” - Guns N’ Roses: Roses' diss on Metallica, my diss on Jackson basically the same. Whore yourselves out and “get the money motherfucker”. Great minds think alike (wait did I just compare myself to Axl Rose… I need to shower.)
7. “Go Your Own Way” - Fleetwood Mac: Another classic, everyone has heard it. Plain and simple, you can go your own way or you can meet and talk. I will criticize you to your face sir, with harsh words and both constructive and non-constructive criticism.
8. “Stacked Actors” - Foo Fighters: Dave Grohls brutal assault on Courtney Love, a bit more obscure but almost as angry as 2Pac on “Hit Em’ Up”. I can’t really find any great insults or lyrics from this song, so… Jackie Brown was really fucking boring. What now?
9. “GWB” - Lily Allen: This song is so wonderful because it’s the most cheery tell off that I’ve ever heard. Seriously, just listen to how chipper she sounds while singing “Fuck you, fuck you very, very much. Because we hate what you do and we hate your whole crew.” I’m singing it right now, can you see the smile on my face?
10. “Ether” - Nas: Figured I would begin and end with a rap diss song. I didn’t fill the list with them because they are a dime a dozen, but the two I chose are two of the absolute best. “I am the truest, name a rapper I ain’t influenced,” no... wait, that doesn’t work at all… How about “you no mustache having, with whiskers like a rat.” Or maybe just keep it simple and say, “You a fan, a phony, a fake, a pussy, a Stan,” (What’s a Stan? Oh well, sounds good.)
Anyways, there you have it. You want to meet and discuss these criticisms, then fine. I live in New York, now I know you’re out in L.A. but I’m sure a big actor like you can find some reason to go to the Big Apple, they shoot movies there too! At the very least I’m sure you could go to Times Square and end up in front of a couple cameras, manned by the finest tourist cinematographers in the world (It will at least be of better quality than Meteor Man). I will meet you anytime you want at Sylvia’s in Harlem. You name the time and date and I will be there. As a matter of fact, I will even full out challenge you to a three part contest, because I think you are the Great Motherfucking Hype and won’t stand by your word. So here’s the challenge. A triathlon of greatness if you will.
1. We meet at Sylvia’s and have a chicken eating contest. Whoever can eat the most pieces of chicken is the winner, and it shouldn’t be hard because their food is fucking delicious (seriously, have you eaten there? I think anybody who’s anybody probably has, but if not do yourself a favor. It’s right off of 125th. Fucking phenomenal man.).
2. An insult contest. An impartial judge will determine which of us can throw out the best insults at one another. We each have ten turns and we will alternate between insults. Each insult will be rated by the impartial judge on a scale of one to ten.
3. A cardboard tube fight. That’s right, but don’t be scared. You are supposed to be like the most bad-assed Jedi ever or something, so you shouldn’t have anything to worry about. We will both be armed with a standard cardboard packaging tube from any office supply store and fight until the other’s tube is broken or severely bent and no longer functional. And you should know a thing or two about non-functioning tubes. Getting petty again, sorry.
So are you man enough Sam? You can even bring a camera if you want, and I promise there will be no sharks present to suddenly eat you. You can contact me through my site here if you want or just call me, 321-331-9253. Talk to you soon. Hugs and kisses,
Charles
No comments:
Post a Comment