Every year Aaron and I celebrate Festivus. For those of you unfamiliar, it is a made up holiday that became popular when it was the central plot of an episode of Seinfeld. Festivus is a holiday that shuns typical notions of the holiday season like love and compassion, and instead replaces them with the opportunity to tell everyone involved how they have disappointed you over the last year, along with feats of strength where people try to best the head of the household at some task. And it is out of this year’s feats of strength that this week’s playlist is born. The feats of strength we decided to engage in this year was in the form of a dance off. Perhaps I had been listening to “Brainwashed” by Ben Folds too much and his suggestions of dance off quarrels actually sounded like a good idea to my poor addled brain, or maybe my b-boy nature just overtook me and I felt the need to “serve” everyone and anyone who got in my way. Regardless, we danced, we conquered, and there were more “servings” than in a giant economy sized bag of potato chips purchased from Sam’s Club.
As I said in my introduction songs about myself, I love to dance. There’s just something freeing to it. Yet I feel that in most places where dancing is socially acceptable there is never proper music to dance to. Clubs mainly play horrible techno or the most idiotic, mind numbing rap imaginable (Some examples, “Chicken Noodle Soup,” “Walk it Off,” or anything by Soulja Boy or 50 Cent.). So I find myself being the lone social outcast who dances in the grocery store whenever Men Without Hats comes through the overhead radio. So here are a list of songs that always make us want to dance. Also, I have tried to include video links to most of these songs, so that you can get some idea why they make us want to dance. These videos are also great to make you feel better if you are having a shit day, you’re welcome.
1. The Darkness “Girlfriend”: This was the song I chose to dance to for the Festivus dance off, and it was spectacular. The words breath taking were thrown around, and the crowd screamed like I was the Beatles playing Ed Sullivan. Clad in all black, purple princess arm warmers and headband, and a multicolored fanny pack and leg warmers I dazzled the crowd with my stunning moves. This is definitely the sexiest and best song anyone could ever dance to. If you want to see what my dance was, almost verbatim, you can check out the video link, (which is also one-hundred percent guaranteed to make you smile.)
2. Stabbing Westward “Violent Mood Swings (Thread Mix)”: I have loved this song since I first heard it in the mid nineties. This song always makes me want to grow a beard, wear a baseball cap backward, put on a trench coat and dance outside of a convenience store in New Jersey. Yes, this is the infamous song that Silent Bob dances to in Clerks. So light up a cigarette from your fresh pack of Nails and break it down. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r6NQoRzXKUs
3. Fatboy Slim “Weapon of Choice”: I have seen this video so many times, and I never get sick of it. Not only that, but it still makes me (actually, I’m not just saying this,) laugh out loud. Who knew Christopher Walken was such a good dancer? Apparently Spike Jonze, who directed the video. It is one of my great goals in life to go to the hotel where this was filmed, (the Marriott is Los Angles) and reenact the entire dance, or at least the escalator part.
4. The Wombats “Let’s Dance to Joy Division”: The main point of this song says better than I ever could why I love to dance. This song is all about things going to hell, feeling depressed and then just saying fuck it, getting on top of a table and dancing like a fucking idiot to completely inappropriate music. What could be any better?
5. Bell Biv Devoe “Poison”: Ah, new jack swing. This song is great to dance to, and instead of telling you why, I will share an amusing story that has little to do with anything. A few days ago Aaron, Brittny and I were walking around and I was singing this at the top of my lungs. They were tolerating my tom-foolery as much as they could until I decided to sing the line “never trust a big butt and a smile,” right as we walked past a humongous black guy and his girlfriend. He gave me a weird look, and instead of just smiling meekly and walking away I proclaimed, “He knows what I’m talking about!” for reasons unbeknownst even to myself. “What?” he asked. “You know, never trust a big butt and a smile. Haven’t you ever heard ‘Poison’ by BBD?” Again, probably not the best time for a musical debate. “Yeah, I have,” said the man, “and I certainly like big butts, but I don’t know about all that.” And with that assertion I turned to Aaron and Brittny and said, “he knows… he knows,” and walked away confident that he did indeed know.
6. Incubus “You Will Be a Hot Dancer”: I have always wanted to strip to this song. I don’t have any idea why, but I always have. I think it might be because this song is extremely sexy in an absurd kind of way, much like a strip show as performed by me would be.
7. Anthrax and Public Enemy “Bring Tha Noise”: The first amalgamation of hip-hop and metal. This song is responsible for Limp Bizkit, for Korn and for Linkin Park. I should hate and despise this song with an unending passion that consumes every fiber of my being. I should spend my every waking hour writing hate mail to Scott Ian, Chuck D and Flava Flav (okay I already do that one). Yet I do not. Instead I am just angry with all of those other horrible bands that this song spawned for fucking up the formula so horribly. Few songs are heavier, rarely has Chuck D been so angry, and yet this song just makes me want to kick, and jump and thrash around in the most spastic dance every conceived.
8. Flogging Molly “Swagger”: I am so very white. Aside from a miniscule amount of Native American ancestry, my blood is as European as the metric system. With that I have to include at least one great song that just makes me want to put on a plaid skirt and do a jig (to my dismay.)
9. Prince “Trust”: They say you are either an Elvis or a Beatles guy. I like to think that some people are either a Prince or Michael Jackson people. I am a Prince person, and Aaron is more of a MJ fan. Nothing wrong with, I just think that Prince is funkier, and considerably more purple. This is one of my all time favorite Prince songs, and it comes from the Batman soundtrack of all things. This was the song that played when the Joker rides through Gotham on a giant float throwing money at people just before gasing them. Incidentally, people often say that my dancing reminds them of the devil in the pale moon light, it still doesn’t make any sense however.
10. James Brown “I Got You (I Feel Good)”: I had the great honor of seeing James Brown in concert a couple of years before he passed away on his 70th birthday. He played for a mere hour, but it was like watching one of those crazy Chinese fireworks that may on last for a short time, but moves like a whirlwind while it is going. He still moved and danced like the younger man who played at the Apollo or who quelled Memphis after MLK’s assassination. Brown’s music is made to dance and move to, so of course I had to include one of his tracks. And sure, “I Got You” is a little cliché, and I was extremely tempted to include “Sex Machine” or “The Payback,” but ultimately feeling good is what dancing is all about. So grab your brand new bag and get on up.
11. Young MC “Bust a Move”: This is the definition of an old school jam. I hear this and I immediately want to go to a skating rink and try to break dance. I usually do to, but I don’t know of any skating rinks in Albany. There was an episode of Scrubs not long ago that had a character called Old MC who was a Young MC impersonator who kept telling the characters to “Bust a Move” anytime they asked any kind of question. In retrospect, not bad advice. Should I go talk to that cute girl at the bar? Just bust a move. Should I go for that promotion? Just bust a move. Should I pull over for that police officer? Just bust a… alright, maybe not always great advice, but in most cases.
12. Harry Belafonte “Shake, Shake Senora (Jump in the Line)”: I have been in love with this song since the first time I saw Winona shake it in Beetlejuice back in the eighties. Since then I have always tried to get women I have gone out with to dance to this song in the hopes that they would start floating around the room. It rarely works, much to my chagrin. Not much more than that for this one, “hoist those skirts a little higher!”
13. Jackson 5 “ABC”: I always loved this song. It’s bright, cheery and just makes me smile. Then I saw Clerks 2 and fell for it even harder. There is nothing like suddenly bursting into a super happy dance number in the middle of a film lanced with enough profanity to make Lenny Bruce blush which also includes a donkey show. And yet Smith still captured the spirit of the song perfectly. Have I really included two songs from Clerks? Damn, I am too gay for Kevin Smith. Call me… please?
14. The Real Tuesday Weld “Bathtime in Clerkenwell (The Clerkenwell Kid)”: If you want to understand this song, watch the video. You will still probably not understand the song anymore than you did, but you will be thoroughly amused and probably just come to accept the fact that this song is very silly. This song comes from an album that was the soundtrack to a book. The scene that this song was supposed to go with comes when the main character of the book tries to commit suicide in a bathtub and then Satan takes over his body and is amazed by how vibrant everything is. Make any more sense yet? Oh well, it makes me want to dance.
15. The Scissor Sisters “I Don't Feel Like Dancing”: I love this song because lyrically it describes not wanting to dance and hating to dance, but listen to it without shaking your ass... I dare you. Incidentally this is what Aaron danced to at Festivus.
16. Squirrel Nut Zippers “Dancing On the Moon”: This song makes me want to put on a top hat and coat tails, grow a handlebar mustache and dance around in an old timey fashion. And yes, I have actually done that before, but who amongst us hasn’t?
17. Run D.M.C. “It’s Tricky”: For Festivus I knew the dance off had to go out on a strong note, so we ended it with this, my favorite Run D.M.C. song of all time. This song is infinitely classic and true. It can be tricky to rock a rhyme that’s right on time. Try it some time.
18. The Red Hot Chili Peppers “The Greeting Song”: Man I would have loved to have seen the Chili Peppers in their heyday. Socks placed firmly on their genitals, jumping around the stage like a bunch of maniacs. This is probably the type of dancing that is most frowned upon in the grocery store, just so everyone knows.
19. Martin Sexton “Diner”: I had never heard of Martin Sexton before Scrubs. That’s right, much like the rest of this list, everything I know and have learned comes directly from TV or the movies. This was the song that they used for the dance montage in the clip show. And as much as I tend to hate clip shows, at least I got some good music out of it.
20. Katie Perry “I Kissed a Girl”: Okay, this song you are probably more likely to hear in a club than any of these other songs. I have tried to dislike this song. It’s such a blatant marketing scheme, who doesn’t love a little lesbian action. And to top it off, I believe starting out as a Christian singer (that’s right, Katie Perry was a Christian singer before this,) and then releasing an album full of blatant debauchery in an effort to create controversy when your first career and “love of god” didn’t pay off, is the definition of a sell out. Yet every time I hear the chorus to this song drop I can’t help but shake my hips just a little bit before I start uncontrollably grinding on the nearest person (Aaron, again, sorry about all that.) It’s not what I’m used to. It caught my attention. Ugh, I heard this song… and I liked it. I really hope my roommates don’t mind it (for they are the ones who must suffer me listening to this song on constant repeat and dancing all over the house.)
Top 5 Hip-Hop Artists of All Time
1. Public Enemy: Public Enemy is by far, my all time favorite hip-hop group. Sure I hate Flava Flav and everything he has ever done outside of Public Enemy, but as a whole cohesive unit they can’t be toped. In my eyes Public Enemy symbolizes what hip-hop should be, political and angry. Sure, it can be fun at times too (see Outkast,) but no one has ever sounded angrier or meaner than Chuck D when he gets going on songs like “Nighttrain,” “By the Time I Get to Arizona,” or “”Fight the Power.” Public Enemy never talked about “bling” or trivial things. They always came at you with something to say, and you listened.
2. The Roots: I wanted to say that the Roots are an amazing hip-hop group because they all actually play their own instruments, but that is really only the tip of the iceberg. The Roots are amazing because of that, yes, but also because they are so intelligent in a genre of music that can be so mind numbingly retarded at times. They are amazing because they might come at you with jazz on one track, then punk on another and then pure raw freestyle on the next. They are amazing because ?uestlove is a fantastic producer and Black Thought is one of the most talented lyricists and vocalists around. And they are amazing because somehow they still manage to score a hit now and then on modern rap radio amongst listeners who would rather hear about fancy cars and girls with big asses.
3. Outkast: I truly believe that Outkast is hip-hop’s answer to the Beatles. They started out playing straight forward hip-hop that was more or less what you hear on the radio, but still different in a strange sort of way (Outkast was the first popular hip-hop group, or performer at all, to come from the south.) Then around the time of Aquemini they started to change their style and make music that was unlike anything anyone had ever heard before. One of their best (and probably last) albums was really just a bunch of recordings both artists did on their own with very little collaboration. And though it hasn’t happened quite yet, it’s almost unavoidable that they will break up sooner than later with maybe one or two additional albums to show for it. I love Outkast because they are always a lot of fun, but mainly just because they are so damn different from anything else you hear these days. Also "Hey-Ya" is the greatest pop song of all time, that's right Glen, it's true... deal with it.
4. N.W.A.: Second in anger only to Public Enemy, N.W.A. even put how pissed off they were in their namesake. Ice Cube, Easy E, Dr. Dre… the other guys, N.W.A. was hip-hop’s first super group and paved the way for all west-coast rap. And while I love Dre’s solo work, and Snoop and Tupac, none of it rivaled how truly brutal N.W.A. could become.
5. Slick Rick: Slick Rick has led an incredibly interesting life, and aside from being a great rapper, his saga is always amusing to follow. He was the first British Rapper to become majorly popular. He has a legitimate eye patch. He was then imprisoned for attempted murder, nearly deported on multiple occasions and had a man impersonate him for several years. Just recently he was granted a full pardon by New York governor, David Patterson. The saga continues…
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