Last weekend, Aaron, Brittny and myself embarked on an epic journey down into New York City to see renowned A Cappella band the Blanks. It was a trip filled to the brim with adventure, terror, near death experiences and the complete emotional breakdown of one of our heroes. When I tell people this, their first question is usually, more often than not, “who the hell are the Blanks?” The Blanks, perhaps more well known as the Worthless Peons are “Ted’s” a.k.a. Sam Lloyd’s band that often appears on the popular television show Scrubs.
The trip started nice enough. We decided to drive into Jersey as we often do, and then take a PATH train into the city. About half-way there it started to snow. Right around the time we got off the interstate and started to drive through Jersey it turned into a blizzard, and then we all remembered that Aaron has absolutely zero tread and therefore zero traction on his tires. Slipping and sliding all over the already complicated and confusing roads of New Jersey Aaron starts to go into total freak out mode and scream at everyone and everything (from Brittny and myself, to other drives, and every single inhabitant of New Jersey) in the squeaky high voice of a prepubescent McDonalds employee.
Finally we make it into the city, meet up with our friend Aaron 2 and make our way to the fabulous Hilton Times Square where the concert is to be held. Unfortunately, it turns out New York City actually has several Hiltons (who would have thought?) and we had to race across town in order to make the show in time.
So was the show worth all of the fear, all of the near heart attack inducing moments, all of the hearing loss caused by Aaron's high pitched screaming? Absolutely! IT was also probably the silliest show I have ever seen. It started out with the Blanks performing a medley of the four greatest songs of all time, (Charles in Charge, Speedracer, Flipper, and the Facts of Life.) From there they went on to perform a song where the chorus was sung by a talking Chip Hazzard (the army guy from Small Soldiers), a song where Sam Lloyd put on a fake mustache and pretended to be a ice cream vendor, and ended by covering “She’s a Maniac” and pouring water on a dancing Mrs. Claus holiday decoration. Then we all left the show and went and threw snowballs at Atlas’ ass outside of Rockefeller Center. So it is out of that lost weekend of treachery and silliness that this week’s playlist is born, the twenty absolutely silliest, non-novelty songs ever written. Enjoy.
1. Otis Redding “Announcement”: This song is a public service announcement in, well, song form. It’s particularly silly because, as far as I can tell, it has no affiliation with any sort of organization or civic group. Otis apparently just felt he needed to write a song about the virtues of staying in school that was so incredibly ham fisted it actually kind of makes me want to go back to school and drop out just from spite.
Sample Silly Line: “Hi! This is the big O, Otis Redding. I was just standing here thinking about you, thought I’d write a song about you, and dedicate it to you. Take a listen. If you didn’t go back to school this year you’re really not groovy.”
2. Primus “Wynona’s Big Brown Beaver”: Aside from just being totally ridiculous, this song may also take the prize for the least well disguised sexual metaphor in music history. However, it is Primus, so it may really just be about an actual beaver.
Sample Silly Line: “The beaver once slept for seven days and it gave us all an awful fright. So I tickled his chin and gave him a pinch and the bastard tried to bite.”
3. Green Jelly “House Me Teenage Rave”: I have heard this song hundreds of times and it still makes me laugh every time I hear it. It’s hardly even a real song, it’s more just five minutes of strangeness and horrible sexual innuendos combined with a chorus that doesn’t seem to make any sense.
Sample Silly Line: “I wanna see snakey. I wanna see snakey! Where’s snakey? Snakey? You sure you want snakey?”
4. The Beatles “All Together Now”: This song is another lesser known Beatles track, off of the soundtrack for Yellow Submarine. Sure this song happens to be catchy as hell, but it is also one of the Beatles' less sensical songs (and I should mention that this was one playlist where it was not at all difficult to find a Beatles song to add.) . Of songs that seemingly make zero sense are prone to happen on movie soundtracks, all you need to do is watch the film and presto, you know what’s going on. Of course when the movie is one long British cartoon acid trip… I guess I should just be thankful that they don’t make up any words this time(Coo Coo Cachoo.)
Sample Silly Line: “Black, white, green, red. Can I take my friend to bed?”
5. Electric Six “Chocolate Pope”: You know what? I'm not even going to try to explain it. I’m just going to write down all of the lyrics for this song, then you will see what I mean.
Sample Silly Line: “I bought my girlfriend a chocolate pope. Cause she seems to be at the end of her rope. Italian candy, with Swiss chocolate’ flavor, what a de-licious, de-licious way… to save her."
6. Ween “My Own Bare Hands”: A song all about the amazing things the lead singer of Ween is able to do with his two bare hands, until he gets sidetracked after a verse of the song and then steadily goes from rambling to just shouting incoherently. Kids, stay away from Ween, they scare me and I‘m pretty sure they‘re really, really drunk..
Sample Silly Line: “She’s gonna be my cock professor, studying my dick. She’s gonna get a master’s degree in fucking me.”
7. Foo Fighters “For All the Cows”: For the Foo Fighters' debut Dave Grohl thought it would be a good idea to write a song about cows. What’s so weird about that? Nothing at all, but cows are always hilarious!
Sample Silly Line: “I’m called a cow. I’m not about to blow it now for all the cows.”
8. Gogol Bordello “Dogs Were Barking”: I love good old Gogol. Who else could make Bulgarian gypsy punk and actually become somewhat popular in a market that hates anything that sound different. This song is about getting married or something.
Sample Silly Line: “Dogs were barking, monkeys clapping, bears were dancing and girls were getting loose!”
9. Bob Dylan “Subterranean Homesick Blues”: Just because a song is classic, doesn’t mean that it isn’t totally absurd. Bob Dylan was a great artist, and he wrote some truly amazing songs with some of the most insightful lyrics ever written. Still, this song is just him rambling and rhyming, more times than not.
Sample Silly Line: “Don’t want to be a bum, you better chew gum.”
10. Incubus “You Will Be a Hot Dancer”: This is the second week in a row I have used this song. In my post last week I mentioned how this song always makes me want to strip. I believe that is reason enough for me to include it on this list.
Sample Silly Line: “In other words, grab the next motherfucking marmaduke who refuses to subdue to these pelvic ostentations.”
11. Frank Zappa “Muffin Man”: Zappa, Frank motherfucking Zappa can’t even get past how silly this song is. On the live version of "Muffin Man", he can’t even make it through the first minute of the song without laughing.
Sample Silly Line: “Some people like cupcakes exclusively, while myself, I say there is not nor ought there be nothing so exalted on the face of god’s great earth as the prince of foods… the muffin!”
12. System of a Down “Sugar”: This song starts out as an ear splitting heavy metal head banger before transforming into a cartoonish romp of a verse. Maybe this song isn’t actually as silly as I think, but every time I hear the verse I uncontrollably picture a cartoon rabbit engaging in various shenanigans. I really need counseling, sigh. (Side note, I wrote the first part and then went and looked up the lyrics of the song. I never understood quite what Serj was saying in the chorus, but he is talking about Kombucha mushroom people. I take back what I said about this song not being as silly as I thought.)
Sample Silly Line: I got a gun the other day from Sako. It’s cute, small, fits right in my pocket.)
13. Gwar “Fishfuck”: The is merely a song about sodomizing someone with a fish. Why did I put this on here again?
Sample Silly Line: “Fishfuck baby, I’m gonna fuck you with a fish!”
14. Puscifer “Country Boner”: There is a very fine line between extremely vulgar or sexual songs and extremely silly songs. And while I feel some of these songs tow the line, most of them are so ridiculous that I think they belong in the latter category. If you want an honest to god vulgar and disgusting song, I believe country music’s David Allan Coe has quite a few for you. But alas, that is a playlist for another day. This song is about all of the country music musicians Puscifer has slept with, oddly enough David Allan Coe is not included.
Sample Silly Line: “I fucked Glen Campbell, fucked him on a see-saw.”
15. They Might Be Giants “Whistling in the Dark”: I don’t even know where to begin or how to try to describe this song. It makes no sense and is very silly.
Sample Silly Line: “A man came up to me and said I’d like to change your mind by hitting it with a rock though I am not unkind.”
16. Green Day “King for a Day”: I really should do a cross-dressing or ambiguous gender playlist, I know far too many songs on the subject. This is one of my favorites because it combines the fun of cross-dressing with sweet memories of childhood. Ah, I miss those wasted mornings in sunday school.
Sample Silly Line: “Who put the drag in the drag queen, don’t knock it till you’ve tried it.”
17. The Real Tuesday Weld “Bathtime in Clerkenwell”: This was also on last week’s playlist, but was just to absurd and weird for me not to include again this week. Just watch the video.
Sample Silly Line: “If only it were so simple… (random jabbering)”
18. Warren Zevon “My Shit’s Fucked Up”: I actually made this playlist a couple of months ago before I started working at the hospital. I thought the dialogue between the doctor and the patient was quite ridiculous when I made it, now I know this is how things actually work in the medical field more times than not.
Sample Silly Line: “My shit’s fucked up? Well I don’t see how. He said the shit that used to work, won’t work now.”
19. Adam Green “Choke on a Cock”: Adam Green is one strange guy. Again, I have no clue what this song is about, something to do with George Bush and Johnny Depp that’s for sure.
Sample Silly Line: “I would dance on NBC and say George Bush shook hands with me, then I’d go and choke on a cock.”
20. Pink Floyd “Bike”: I saved the best for last. This is the most incomprehensible, unable to understand, unrhyming song ever written. This was off of Floyd’s first album which still had Syd Barrett as the lead singer, you know, the guy who did too many drugs for PINK FLOYD!
Sample Silly Line: “I know a mouse, and he hasn’t got a house, I don’t know why I call him Gerald.”
Top 5 Worst Band Names of All Time
1. Dogs Die in Hot Cars
2. Death Cab for Cutie
3. ...And You Will Know Us By the Trail of the Dead
4. !!!
5. Engelbert Humperdinck
No comments:
Post a Comment